I’ve never been much of a rebel. Never shoplifted as a teenager. Didn’t get drunk and vomit all over my parents while they were sleeping. Wasn’t courageous enough to light up a square in the high school bathroom. I do have a bathroom story, however.
Once as a freshman nature called during civics class. I was having stomach problems and needed to do very bad things. I excused myself to the bathroom.
I’d like to mention that the screwballs at my Catholic high school didn’t bother to put doors on the stalls. There’s no way that would be allowed today what will all the shenanigans going on in that religion.
So, anyway, I’m doing what I do worst and the goddamned fire alarm goes off.
I was stuck. I was afraid of being caught by a fireman and then marched outside in from of the student body. That would be more humiliation than I was regularly experiencing. I tried to conjure a solution.
What if I finished up and join the other frosh out on the quad? No, that won’t work. Walking out last after a fire alarm – they’d think I started the fire or something. Either way I’d have to answer for my deeds. Plus, I wasn’t done in the bathroom yet.
Wait – couldn’t I just complete my business and go back to class after the fire drill was over? No, because all the students would know I was in the bathroom dropping toads and missed the big to-do. The objective was to draw the least amount of attention to myself.
Shockingly nobody checked the boys’ bathroom. This is amazing because there were only two bathrooms in the whole school. And again, having no doors on the stalls the sweep would have taken three seconds.
At this point I was starting to sweat. I wasn’t yet done. The students would be filing back in any moment. Dammit, this had to be timed just perfectly. I needed to be coming out of the bathroom at the same time people were returning into school. Well, not unlike a Joffrey dancer, I landed right on point. I blended in with everyone, and nobody seemed to notice.
The only wrinkle was that I still had the bathroom hall pass. I stuffed it into my Dockers until the end of class and then casually dropped it off on the chalkboard.
Wait, wasn’t this post supposed to be about how I’m a rebel in certain ways? I totally lost my train of thought there. Oh well. There’s always tomorrow.