Five Wishes For Santa

There are five things I’d like for Christmas, but I’m not planning on visiting the local mall to sit on some fat guy’s lap with my wish list in hand. A candy cane and a pat on the head isn’t going to give me the confidence I need to fulfill my Christmas wishes, either. I’ll just send a letter to the North Pole in order to avoid a Santa lap dance and the sticky, candy cane finger groping. I figure since I’m a middle-aged menopausal mama, I deserve more than one wish for Christmas. I’ve earned at least five.

1.  I want to party like a rock star with Santa and his merry band of elves. But there are certain conditions — I am NOT cleaning up after those sloppy, drunk elves, and Santa MUST wear something other than that tiresome red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial strength girdle might be in order too, after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum on Christmas Eve.

2.  I want to ride in a pimped out sleigh with Santa, as long as there is a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment. Rudolph won’t be the only one with a red nose. Which reminds me — Santa needs to switch out that nose to an LED light to conserve energy.

3.  I’d like to have my own reindeer. He could live in my backyard, and I could charge admission (to support my blog habit, of course) for reindeer rides to all the kiddies in the neighborhood. He could also nibble on our grass during the spring so we wouldn’t have to mow the lawn as often.

4.  I want all the elves to show up the day after Christmas to dismantle my ridiculously large collection of holiday decorations and neatly pack them away in our attic. Ever notice how those lazy bastards suddenly disappear once the last gift has been unwrapped and the Christmas feast devoured? They don’t even stick around long enough to help with the dishes.

5. I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fats and calories, and chocolate truffles are a nutritious element in your daily, dietary needs. While you’re at it, Santa, how ’bout a home liposuction kit? Cookies in, cookies out… no more gingerbread on the thighs.

Sounds like the perfect wish list to me. Now hand over the reins and that bottle of cognac, Santa!

About the author:

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog, Menopausal Mother, where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. Give her some wine and a jar of Nutella and she’ll be your best friend. Marcia is a staff writer for In The Powder Room and a contributing writer at What The Flicka. Her work has also appeared on Scary Mommy, The Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop, Suburbia Interrupted, Mamapedia, Generation Fabulous, Midlife Boulevard, Bloggy Moms, Messy Mom’s Radio and The Woven Tale Press. She is a contributing author to several books, including Mother Of All Meltdowns, Sunshine After The Storm and the Life Well Blogged series. Menopausal Mother was voted top 25 in the Circle Of Moms contest 2013.


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  1. #4 and #5. Yes!

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  2. Amy Sherman says:

    Now that’s a list I can get behind. Kids don’t know diddly. WTG, MKD!

  3. Too funny! I completely agree with 4 and 5!

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  4. Teri says:

    #5 is the BEST!!!!

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  5. Diane says:

    Oh this is too good! Totally in agreement with every point!

  6. Depends on the Santa if I’m into the lap dance. I’ve seen some 6pk ab’d Santa’s selling boxer briefs and…I’m sidetracked. #5 is good.

  7. Linda says:

    Bring on #5!

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  8. Love the idea of a tricked-out sleigh. Cognac is a must! As for the elves- I thought that’s why we have kids?

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  9. I’m all about #5 since I am a serious chocoholic!! As always you amused me today and believe me I needed it…..

  10. Bryan Jones says:

    May all your Christmas wishes come true, Marcia.

  11. Barbara says:

    Funny thouhgt Marsha, do you think Santa would go commando in the kilt? That I’d love to see.

    Barbara @

  12. Considerer says:

    You’re mad in the head. In the best way…

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  13. Chris Carter says:

    That is hilarious!!!! Can we have those elves clean our home on a weekly basis as well? Please? I want to send the SAME LIST!!! (And I deserve it too- being a menopausal mama with ya!!)

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  14. Funny as usual. Although I’d leave the red suit alone. I dig it.

  15. Mary Buchan says:

    I absolutely love this fun post!

  16. Oh yes please! I need the elves to dismantle AND mantle my gagillion holiday decorations! And the yummy chocolate, yes!

  17. Tamara says:

    I want a pet reindeer, too! But, I’ll settle for an alpaca if it appears I’m aiming too high. :)

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  18. Mary Anne says:

    At home lipo! Genius-be right over and I’ll bring the wine

  19. LJ says:

    Loved the article….would have to go with the pimped out sleigh, with JD of course.
    Just can’t see Santa in Jeggings…or spanx…..

  20. Dear Santa,

    Please cancel Christmas.


    P.S. Bring me lots of booze. Or let me ride with Marcia and the cognac. I’ll wait on the roof.

  21. Ohhh you and I would tear up the town if we shared that sleigh!

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  22. pinoy says:

    I would ask for Santa’s clothes so I can make other children happy too

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