There are five things I’d like for Christmas, but I’m not planning on visiting the local mall to sit on some fat guy’s lap with my wish list in hand. A candy cane and a pat on the head isn’t going to give me the confidence I need to fulfill my Christmas wishes, either. I’ll just send a letter to the North Pole in order to avoid a Santa lap dance and the sticky, candy cane finger groping. I figure since I’m a middle-aged menopausal mama, I deserve more than one wish for Christmas. I’ve earned at least five.
1. I want to party like a rock star with Santa and his merry band of elves. But there are certain conditions — I am NOT cleaning up after those sloppy, drunk elves, and Santa MUST wear something other than that tiresome red suit. How about a kilt? Or maybe some jeggings. An industrial strength girdle might be in order too, after all the milk and cookies he sucks up like a Hoover vacuum on Christmas Eve.
2. I want to ride in a pimped out sleigh with Santa, as long as there is a bottle of cognac in the glove compartment. Rudolph won’t be the only one with a red nose. Which reminds me — Santa needs to switch out that nose to an LED light to conserve energy.
3. I’d like to have my own reindeer. He could live in my backyard, and I could charge admission (to support my blog habit, of course) for reindeer rides to all the kiddies in the neighborhood. He could also nibble on our grass during the spring so we wouldn’t have to mow the lawn as often.
4. I want all the elves to show up the day after Christmas to dismantle my ridiculously large collection of holiday decorations and neatly pack them away in our attic. Ever notice how those lazy bastards suddenly disappear once the last gift has been unwrapped and the Christmas feast devoured? They don’t even stick around long enough to help with the dishes.
5. I want to live in a world where acorn squash is high in fats and calories, and chocolate truffles are a nutritious element in your daily, dietary needs. While you’re at it, Santa, how ’bout a home liposuction kit? Cookies in, cookies out… no more gingerbread on the thighs.
Sounds like the perfect wish list to me. Now hand over the reins and that bottle of cognac, Santa!
About the author:
Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humorous blog, Menopausal Mother, where she muses on the good, the bad and the ugly side of menopausal mayhem. Give her some wine and a jar of Nutella and she’ll be your best friend. Marcia is a staff writer for In The Powder Room and a contributing writer at What The Flicka. Her work has also appeared on Scary Mommy, The Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop, Suburbia Interrupted, Mamapedia, Generation Fabulous, Midlife Boulevard, Bloggy Moms, Messy Mom’s Radio and The Woven Tale Press. She is a contributing author to several books, including Mother Of All Meltdowns, Sunshine After The Storm and the Life Well Blogged series. Menopausal Mother was voted top 25 in the Circle Of Moms contest 2013.