I love sleep. The only thing I love more than sleep is not waking up. This makes mornings very difficult for me, and – because I have two small children — a constant exercise in discipline, responsibility, and resentment.
So I decided to see what kinds of advancements there have been in the world of alarm clocks. I knew there had to be a bunch that I wasn’t aware of, especially since I am someone who still can’t believe that I can refill my prescriptions by scanning the barcode with my phone. What I found was shocking: there are some horrible, torturous, godless alarm clocks out there. Anyone who would either a) invent these things or b) subject themselves to their wrath is out of their minds. Here are six of them:
Meet Clocky. You’ll notice he has wheels. Here’s why:
“When it’s time to wake up, this alarm clock will leap off your nightstand and run away beeping to ensure you’re awake.”
You little bastard. As if I don’t have enough to do in the morning, like making sandwiches and fighting with my kids over wearing socks. Now I’m expected to track your ass down as you go spinning underneath my bed because, you know, where exactly are you going to go? It’s my bedroom, not the forest. Might as well shove you behind my dresser right out of the box, because that’s where you’re going to end up anyway. Bastard.
2. The Flying Alarm Clock
Make every morning a horror show of screaming and ducking.
“The Flying Alarm Clock wakes you up with a loud shrieking alarm coupled with a little propeller-driven key that leaps off your nightstand. To turn off the horrible racket, you have to get out of bed and retrieve the key.”
Let me tell you what happens when I wake up to a loud noise and something flying across my bedroom. First, I scream. Second, I either hide or run — this is the Meredith Bland version of “fight or flight.” And third, in the tradition of ripping off someone’s arm and them beating them to death with it, I will smash my alarm clock to pieces with it’s flying apparatus.
So, there’s one morning. Good job, I guess.
3. Jumpin’ Banana Sonic Grenade
“This Sonic Grenade is a weapon of startling power! Literally, your chosen victims will be more startled than you’ve even seen them before after this ear-splitting grenade lands in their midst. Just pull the pin and throw the Sonic Grenade wherever you want it to disrupt someone with its insanely loud noise. Annoy parents, distract authority figures, interrupt events, make people laugh, and always get the attention of those within earshot!”
All the fun of a live grenade, but in shrieking form. What a fucking horrible idea. Let me tell you how many times this is funny: zero. Now let me tell you how many times I would poop in your shoes in retaliation: all of them. And are we really marketing this as a way to “distract authority figures and interrupt events?” Are people really that eager to experience prison? Then go toss one of these things at a speaker during an event. No really. Go ahead. Make all your dreams come true.
4. Puzzle Alarm Clock
“When the time comes, the clock launches three puzzle pieces into the air. You must return all three pieces to their matching holes before you can shut off the alarm.”
At my most hyper-alert, I am unable to solve most puzzles. At 6:00 in the morning, my solution here would be “Hammer Smash to Green Square.”
5. Morning Routine Android Alarm
“Morning Routine takes a fresh new approach to forcing yourself awake. When the alarm goes off, you have to scan a barcode—like, the one on your carton of orange juice in the fridge—in order to turn it off.”
Jesus. Have you ever used one of those self-checkout lines at the grocery store? And you always mess it up because you can’t get it to scan your cat food and make that little beep, or you do scan it but it scans it twice and then you have to call over the helper employee who stands there all day assisting idiots like you? No one needs that in the morning. My helper employee is my husband, and he would be the opposite of helpful in this situation. He would sleep in the guest room and leave my sorry ass to run naked around the kitchen trying to find a package of French Roast coffee and a carton of yogurt to scan.
6. Carrot alarm, from itunes
“CARROT will wake you up each morning with a mix of songs and witty spoken dialogue. She’ll bribe you with ice cream for breakfast or threaten to kill a kitten if you hit the snooze button again…If you don’t wake up when your alarm goes off, CARROT will get mad at you and turn red. She will also start yelling at you to try to get you out of bed. One of her favorite things to do to scare you into waking up is saying, ‘Murder, death, kill’….”
HOLD THE PHONE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Now THIS I can get behind. Waking up to a voice saying, “murder, death, kill…”? Have I died and gone to heaven? This Carrot is my kind of gal. And most importantly, I don’t need to crawl underneath furniture or complete a scavenger hunt to make her go all quiet-like.
So there are six options for you oversleepers. Five for those of you who hate yourselves, and Carrot. Sweet dreams! I’m gonna wake up to slaughtered kittens with a smile on my face.