An Ode to Hot Sauce

There are some things in life that aren’t delightful;

The outcomes are boring, or dreary and gray.

They leave you with pain and make you feel spiteful,

Like the time I got hot sauce on my penis one day.

While eating nachos and some salsa I got,

I realized my hot salsa needed more hot.

I went to my kitchen, and guess what i found?

Dave’s Insanity Sauce! so hot it strips grease off the ground!

Now, I like my food hot, so I wasn’t scared;

Unbeknownst to me it was my penis that wasn’t prepared.

So I shook on some sauce and then put down my food,

Went to the bathroom….so began the change in my mood.

I went in to pee, and unzipped my fly,

Took out Mr Johnson, but he started to cry.

Immediately my groin felt like it was on fire,

My testicles felt like charcoal;  this situation was DIRE!!!

I needed some help, my wiener was cooking!

It was red and tender and extra spicy looking.

Then I had an idea, and I felt myself grin,

Milk is what I should stick my dick in!

Milk’s always good when things get too hot,

It’s coating and calms until the hot’s not.

So I sucked up the pain and ran out the door,

Found my way to the milk and gave a big glass a pour.

I returned to the bathroom fast as could be,

And in my dick went like an oatmeal cookie.

Instant relief! Yes! I finally win,

That’s when my poor old grandmother walked in.

She stopped dead in her tracks and almost fell on her ass

Cuz she walked in on her grandson fucking milk in a glass!

She gasped a loud gasp, and then turned to flee.

I shouted, “I’m sorry but it feels like lava when I pee.

You must understand, I’m not a bad guy,

This hot sauce cooked my dick just like a French fry.

It scorched it real bad, and all I can do,

Is dunk it in milk, along with my balls, too.”

After I was done explaining to her, she wasn’t impressed,

But after she left, and I had gotten dressed,

I spoke with her privately, cuz I’m not a rude guy,

And we decided never again to look each other in the eye.

So Dave, Mr. Insanity Sauce, if I ever find you,

I’ll put your sauce in your eyes  first so that I can blind you.

Then off with your pants and out comes the hose,

And straight up your asshole is where it next goes,

And I’ll pump you full of hot sauce right up your ass,

And you’ll shoot solar flares out instead of your gas,

And boy it will hurt, but I think you deserve it,

Because now my grandmother thinks I’m a lactose-fucking pervert.



About UngerTheInfluence

Unger, (known by his first name "Ryan" to only is parents), spends his time exploring consciousness and pondering important questions like: "Why are we here?" "What's the meanng of life?" "Where's the rest of my LSD?" Always a lover, most times a dancer, never a fighter. He's morally against stress, and advocates a Zen mind. Residing right outside New York City, Unger tries his best to avoid the consumerist culture that infests Manhattan by spending his time writing vulgar poetry. Unger will tell you he finds it incredibly fascinating that poetry is the route that life has taken him.

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