5 Reasons Why I am the Laziest Person Ever

Sometimes I look around my house and I am astonished at just how lazy I can be. Depending on the number of times I’ve ferried children to taekwondo in a given week, I can be house-lazy to the point of “Hoarders” grossness.

Here are five examples of my appalling laziness:

1.  For six months, I never reached over to pull the manual out of my glove box to learn how to change my van’s clock so I could spring forward. So for half the year, I just deduct an hour to tell time. Because you know what? Six short months later, you’re just falling back again. Minutes of effort saved.

2.  Our Lhasa Apso peed on the rug and instead of spot-cleaning, I just  stuck a stool over it, like a janitor marking a freshly mopped floor. “Danger!” the stool shouts to passersby. “Slippery and smells like a urine-soaked subway elevator when wet.”

3.  In related gross canine bodily fluids news, our Saint Bernard emptied the contents of her gigantic stomach onto our bedroom floor and we scooped it into a lawn-sized Hefty bag. And then we stuck the bag on the porch. For five days. Because why bring it out to the big can when sooner or later it will be garbage day and you can just chuck it to the curb in an underhand throw?

4.  Our 10-year-old couldn’t find her hat one morning before school, a tragedy that quickly took on Shakespearean proportions. We ransacked every closet, cubby, and Rubbermaid container in a vain effort to locate it. And never put anything back. This way, if robbers peek in through the front windows, they will think we have already been robbed. It’s all about my family’s safety, really.

Who us? We’d never piss or barf.

5.  Our kids tend to eat the same thing night after night because I can only successfully make spaghetti. And really? If I make the effort to massacre fish they’ll just turn their noses up at its charred edges anyway. So what’s the point of variety? There’s no point, people. Plus, you never have to wash the pan because SAME DAMN FOOD.

I’ll go toe to toe with any of you on laziness. Give me your best in the comments.

About CindyR

Cindy Reed avoids actual pants and is overly fond of a jaunty fedora. She has exactly one rap video. Visit her at The Reedster Speaks, where you’ll find her blogging almost exclusively about her underwear. If you still can’t get enough of her, you could follow every pearl of wisdom that drops from her lips at yeah write and on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. She lives in Asheville, North Carolina, the cesspool of sin.

Comments

  1. Jessi says:

    I have bad news. Thanks to the recent tinkering with daylight savings, we were on summer time for 8 months this year. So, it’s worse than you think.

    I will say, however that my stove clock has been blinking for a little over 9 months. Every time I set it, the power goes out, so I’ve just decided not to set it ever again.

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  2. Stacy G says:

    Girl, I have you so beat, I’m too embarrassed to write the words.

  3. Natalie says:

    You and I are pretty similar…

  4. Norma Drake Butler says:

    Since your mom is my first cousin, there is family environment to consider. Aunt Olive and Aunt Mayra were “messy” but in today’s world they were hoarders. Grandma Drake was the neat organized one and I never felt comfortable with that (Who ties up and bundled their string?), As I type this I have no less than 10 pairs of shoes next to my front door – but they are paired – OCD mixed with MDD. My dishes are cleared out of the sink but there is a loaf of Roman Meal bread that is molded and I just haven’t gotten around to throwing it away. My bathrooms are always clean – sparkling clean, but my bedroom can only be approached with tongs and wading boots. I have a wall where I installed flower hangers for my collection of purses, but I have to have a search and rescue for my underwear as it is buried in the pile of clean clothes that are in a pile, unfolded but clean, in my bedroom…..I could go on, but only continue to humiliate myself. I can’t figure it out. Some things feed into the OCD organization nut laws and other things are a disaster….Go figure.!!!!!!! I make lists then lose the lists in the pile of unopened mail……Gotta love this life!!!!!! At least I’m not boring!

  5. Emily Bradford says:

    I will throw away a too hard to clean pan. That was given to me for free. I pay $72 without a blink of the eye for a new pan. Epitome of laziness? CHECK.

  6. Linda Roy says:

    Dog pees on floor. Paper towels are used to absorb the liquid. Paper towels are left there to dry up with said liquid. Dishes languish in sink. Clean laundry is fished out of basket as needed. Garbage bags sit by front door. Pet hair tumbleweeds dance across the floor. It’s 1:00 and I’m still in my PJs. Oh my god…I am a complete slug. I choose to blame the internet and Netflix.

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