Sometimes I look around my house and I am astonished at just how lazy I can be. Depending on the number of times I’ve ferried children to taekwondo in a given week, I can be house-lazy to the point of “Hoarders” grossness.
Here are five examples of my appalling laziness:
1. For six months, I never reached over to pull the manual out of my glove box to learn how to change my van’s clock so I could spring forward. So for half the year, I just deduct an hour to tell time. Because you know what? Six short months later, you’re just falling back again. Minutes of effort saved.
2. Our Lhasa Apso peed on the rug and instead of spot-cleaning, I just stuck a stool over it, like a janitor marking a freshly mopped floor. “Danger!” the stool shouts to passersby. “Slippery and smells like a urine-soaked subway elevator when wet.”
3. In related gross canine bodily fluids news, our Saint Bernard emptied the contents of her gigantic stomach onto our bedroom floor and we scooped it into a lawn-sized Hefty bag. And then we stuck the bag on the porch. For five days. Because why bring it out to the big can when sooner or later it will be garbage day and you can just chuck it to the curb in an underhand throw?
4. Our 10-year-old couldn’t find her hat one morning before school, a tragedy that quickly took on Shakespearean proportions. We ransacked every closet, cubby, and Rubbermaid container in a vain effort to locate it. And never put anything back. This way, if robbers peek in through the front windows, they will think we have already been robbed. It’s all about my family’s safety, really.
5. Our kids tend to eat the same thing night after night because I can only successfully make spaghetti. And really? If I make the effort to massacre fish they’ll just turn their noses up at its charred edges anyway. So what’s the point of variety? There’s no point, people. Plus, you never have to wash the pan because SAME DAMN FOOD.
I’ll go toe to toe with any of you on laziness. Give me your best in the comments.