TLUI – (Thanksgiving Leftovers Under the Influence)
November 29, 2013
by • 11 Comments
by • 11 Comments
It’s the day after Thanksgiving, which means quality time has been spent with family. “Quality” being a relative term. We’ve all got coping mechanisms – like hitting the sauce. And I’m not talking cranberries.
When the blessed sound of Aunt Edna’s muffler scraping the pavement on her way home hits your eardrums, on go the stretchy pants. Time to satiate that second wave of hunger pangs. The fridge ain’t gonna empty itself.
Time for a little TLUI: Thanksgiving Leftovers Under the Influence.
Forget about heating anything up – you’re too tired and tipsy. You might lose a limb attempting to operate the toaster oven. Besides, you’re not thinking straight. What if you’re inadvertently zapped into the size of the Playmobile Little People and the dog tries to eat you when the microwave prematurely flings open? Better to eat it all cold.
So before you go all “9 1/2 Weeks ” on the kitchen floor in front of an open fridge, here are my TLUI recommendations: Sauce to attack while sauced, potatoes to devour while loaded, stuffing and pie to stuff your pie hole.
1. Cranberry Sauce
Make sure it’s shaped like the can. You want it to go down easy. Chewing is hard. But break it up first. No choking on my watch, people. And don’t use a knife. I don’t want to hear about stab wounds.
2. Mashed Potatoes
Oh sweet little baby Jesus, yes! You would be amazed how good these are cold. Especially if you dump a handful of bacon bits on them along with a pat of butter.
3. Candied Sweet Potatoes
This should always be eaten only while drunk. This goopy, overly sweet mess is better off consumed when you don’t realize what you’re doing, or better – when you don’t care.
4. White Castle Stuffing
Stuffing and White Castle together – the perfect drunk Thanksgiving food. Very little chewing involved and it’s nostalgic. Picture yourself enthusiastically masticating in a dimly incandescent WC parking lot, lit only by dim fluorescents in a beautiful recapturing of sweet, sweet youth.
5. Green Bean Casserole
The Queen Mother of leftovers is great cold and I’ve stood countless times at an open refrigerator in the wee hours with a fork and a smile, partaking of its prefab magic. Always make extra so you’re never more than ten steps and a few vodka tonics away from culinary bliss.
So enjoy Thanksgiving. Then enjoy it again a couple of hours later.
But remember, the best remedy for a drunk Thanksgiving is cold turkey.
Disclaimer: The editors of Aiming Low wish to caution you that eating Thanksgiving leftovers while intoxicated is dangerous. Therefore, please drink and binge responsibly.
top photo courtesy: Bench Racing From the Volunteer State