Thanksgiving Rant

 

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I hate Thanksgiving. Men love the holiday: wake up, sit on couch, swill booze, watch football, stuff gaping piehole, retreat to couch.T-day is dandy by them.

Females? Not so much. Especially if, like me, you are a  foodie female. I mean, Thanksgiving is all about food. Fuck family and fuck togetherness; it’s about food, man!

But there’s one leeetle problem. Thanksgiving food sucks.

Admit it.

It does.

Thanksgiving dinner is a decidedly beige meal, ne ces’ pas?

I’d slave all day in the kitchen for a feast of shrimp dumplings and Dan-Dan noodles and Szchewan pepper shrimp, but beige food? No.

The kicker? I can’t get out of making beige dinner every year because my Daddy-o, bless his rigid German heart, has to have beige Thanksgiving dinner or he cries in his Leiderhosen.

So again, year 2013 we are eating the same beige dinner that’s been served since I was crawled on North Dakota linoleum:

  • Turkey: is it just me, or even if you injected Tom Turkey with a Jaegermeister and Crisco infusion, he’d still taste like…nothing? Turkey is a vehicle for gravy. Period.
  • Cranberry Relish: homemade or canned, it’s still freaking inedible. Cranberries suck. We even spike our cranberry relish with Grand Marnier, because booze improves everything!, but nope. Still gross.
  • Stuffing: WTF is up with people eating soggy bread? Admit it, people! Stuffing=soggy bread. And can I tell you a secret? That soggy bread comes out of a butt. It’s Buttbread!
  • Waldorf Salad: Mayonnaise on fruit. Seven kinds of wrong.
  • Creamed Pearl Onions: a Yankee tradition, gratis of my grandfather. He insisted on these foul little bulbs, bathed in cream and cheese, every year. And now my father loves them. They slip and slide all over the plate, taunting your fork, and later, after consumption, turn your intestines into Chernobyl. Two hours after creamed onion consumption, you are hazardous waste.
  • Mashed Potatoes and Gravy: the ONLY edible part of the meal. Gimme a plate of just that, and I’m gee-dokey.
  • Buttered rolls: Gee, not enough carbs on the table? Apply directly to the things, why don’t
  • Pie: Only suitable for breakfast. The next day. Who wants pie after that ass-busting meal? Jesus. Plus, crust is nasty. Lardbread!

Sorry. I’m a crank and a killjoy, so I’ll shut up now. I’m sucking it up and cooking this slop for yet another year…gimme a few glasses of wine and I’ll be fine. And when it’s all said and done, I’ll be the first one to express my gratitude. That it’s over. For 364 blessed days.

by Dana Talusani (aka the kitchwitch)

Photo Credit

About DanaT

In a former life, Dana was a high-strung, nervous small dog. Currently, Dana (aka: thekitchwitch) lives and writes in a giant martini glass in the Rocky Mountains. She serves up snark, snacks and horrible mothering advice on her blog (http://thekitchwitch.com). When she is actively not contemplating eating her young. She is currently at work on a patent for the Valium Salt Lick. You can follow her on Twitter (@thekitchwitch) or on Facebook (MissyAngryinanApron).

Comments

  1. My husband insists on a plate with a generously lipped edge to hold in all of the gravy. Gravy plate pretty much sums up Thanksgiving around here, so no thanks on the cranberries or that onion business. Doesn’t go well with gravy.

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  2. Jamie says:

    You know it’s a horrid meal when you’re EXCITED to eat green beans smothered in soup topped with crunchy onions.

  3. Donna says:

    Ahhh, Thanksgiving. The best part is the day after, when the house is sparkling clean, there’s no one around, and I can have a turkey sandwich for dinner with no effort whatsoever.

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  4. Justine says:

    I have to agree on most of it (especially having to do all of the cooking part which is why I try to get us invited to someone’s house instead, and yay, two years in a row over here, woot!). But I do have this weird obsession with stuffing. I really do like my soggy buttbread.

    And Dan Dan noodles are My Guy’s favorite weeknight meal. Mine too just because it’s so fast and delicious!

  5. Ok, I’m kind of glad we don’t do Thanksgiving in Belgium… creamed pearl onions.. ehw!

  6. Debbie says:

    Who needs all that crap when we can just drink wine? And what’s a Dan-Dan noodle? Do they go well with wine?

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  7. MamaKaren says:

    We do engage in some non-beige Thanksgiving food- kielbasa and sauerkraut, stuffed celery. I am with you on the nastiness of cranberry and pearl onions, though, and the awesomeness of mashed potatoes with good gravy.

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  8. Hooooray for the wine part! And Turkey sand’s with cranberry are pretty darn good….anyway…wine anyone? You rock!

  9. Year ’round I say no to crust, wet bread, turkey, onion tapioca, and mayonnaise fruit. So why I should change my tune just because a bunch of starving Europeans couldn’t figure out how to cook and eat beans and squash?

    Buy your dinner from some local restaurant and make only the drinks.

    xoxo

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  10. jeri says:

    I’ve pissed quite a few people off over the years when I pig out on the pie filling and leave their precious home-made crust on the plate. Too bad, I don’t like it. I don’t even eat my own.

  11. D. A. Wolf says:

    Kitch, Kitch, Kitch… You make me chuckle, but come on. There’s some beige food that’s fabulous… Oatmeal. Whole grain bread. Pastry. More pastry. (And more pastry.)

    Personally, I enjoy Thanksgiving food, though I’m thinking I need to spike my cranberry sauce with something alcoholic. But yeah, the men. They watch the wimmins do the cooking…

    Of course, it seems to me that you don’t care for fruitcake either. Hey, it’s not beige!!! It’s practically neon!

    Love you.
    xo
    Wolfie

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  12. Rob says:

    Why do men get to veg out for the day?

    For years, we didn’t live near family, and I got away with making Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice. I made whatever side dishes I wanted – like asparagus. We did have mashed potatoes, corn, cranberry relish, and pie (apple and pumpkin).

    I do hate cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Our son-in-law wants traditional Thanksgiving (slightly different from yours) – don’t forget the gravy!

  13. Traditional Thanksgiving food is horrendous. Which is why when given our choice, my little family opts for something like a decent beef tenderloin. At the relatives’ houses, though, it’s standard fare all the way. Blah. Although I do have to admit I have a love for my Grandmother’s plain old bread stuffing. Call it a childhood thing – still love it, but only made that one way. Everybody else’s is nasty because stuffing generally has celery. Eew.

  14. Alexandra says:

    YOU are a perfect fit here. SO happy to see you. Can’t wait for more. xo

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  15. Alexandra,

    I’m so happy to be hanging out with you and the cool kids!

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  16. Barbara says:

    Well, I agree it never was my favorite meal to make, but the pleasure on my family’s faces when they sat down at the table made it all worth it.
    Why don’t you do what my brother always did on Christmas Eve? (his night to host the family) He bought everything from the grocery store, laid it out in the aluminum containers on the buffet and let us have at it.

    • Barbara, your brother was on to something. Although I do believe you always brought something beautiful to that dinner–it’s just your nature.

      And QUIT with the talk about Thanksgiving being about family and happy faces around the table!! Jeez! You are making my cold black heart cry.

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  17. Arnebya says:

    Unbeige it. We have greens and squash and a beautiful colorful tossed salad and mac & cheese and…oh. Well, I guess most of that is still pretty pale. Huh.

    I like pie crust. As long as there is still pie attached to it. Also, Cool Whip. Sssssh.

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  18. Erica says:

    I happen to love cranberries. I’d be happy with my plate of mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. But as my mother says, you have to make the turkey to get the gravy (which has booze – Madeira wine in it).

    Mayo on anything especially fruit is so gross. Creamed any kind of veggies? So gross.

  19. Donna Meade says:

    I LOVE cranberry sauce and consider turkey just a convenient platform to hold thick layers of the sauce. I do not understand the need for gooey green bean casserole and am absolutely revolted by that sweet potato thing covered in marshmallow. A sweet potato is sweet enough without adding sugar and marshmallows. Mashed potatoes with ladles of gravy do make the whole meal worth while, as long as there’s cranberry sauce in some form.

  20. Kel says:

    Holy cow. If I didn’t already have a huge crush on Kitchy, this post would’ve done it. My whole family hates pie, half of them hate turkey. I agreed with pretty much everything she said.

    Except, ya know, that whole thing where I’ll be taking Wednesday off, as I do *every* year, to start cooking for the Freaksgiving.

    • Kel,

      Do you pie-haters skip dessert altogether or do you eat some other sticky concoction? Just being nosey.

      My arse will be in the kitchen Wednesday as well, cooking Fatal Thanksgiving Dinner in DC. I will toast to you.

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      • Kel says:

        You’re in DC? That’s only 5hrs from me! You should definitely come for leftovers.

        But um…skip dessert? What a ludicrous idea!

        In my house, if I do not produce a massive tiramisu at each major holiday, I may find myself poisoned in my sleep. (And no, we are not Italian at all!) I generally make an apple crisp for my diabetic partner, and then one or two other dishes of deliciousness. This year is Gesine Bullock-Prado’s “Chocolate and Fleur de Sel Caramel Tart”, and Smitten Kitchen’s “Apple Gingerbread Upside Down Cake”.

        I will toast to you as well. I hope your Thanksgiving is mellow. =)

  21. elizabeth says:

    I find it extremely cruel that the so-called biggest food holiday in our country is devoted to the most beige, milquetoast food ever. Were we in charge, there would either be coq au vin, or a big-ass ragu that would simmer all day and smell like heaven.

    • Eliazbeth,

      Funny you mention it! My husband said, “When we get back from DC and do belated Thanksgiving with your folks, we are doing an Italian gravy, meatballs and spaghetti!”

      No complaints here! Big-ass ragu’s rule!

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  22. When you are vegetarian, you have the option to make whatever food you want during Thanksgiving. I opt for Indian, Italian, and one year I even managed to make a tofu turkey.

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