Earth Mother, I Am Not.

The Stomp Rocket launcher, similar in composition, is a favorite makeshift fishing pole. Nothing is safe around here.

At 25 weeks pregnant, many women are nesting, researching, and preparing their loved ones for the birth of their little miracle. The internet has allowed once lost birth practices to infiltrate their way back into modern day life, and many women are delighted to find ways to return to natural, peaceful delivery and child-rearing methods.

Not this gal.

I came upon this gem a few weeks ago via a satirical parenting website. I clicked the link knowing it would be a doozie. Be warned, the article is not for those with delicate constitutions.

The abridged version: A UK mother over-shares why she chose to have a “lotus birth.” Later she reveals she birthed her son at home, accompanied only by her non medically trained husband, and they practice Child-led parenting. She expresses her desire to return to nature, like our chimpanzee relatives.

Not a drop of satire involved.

After I absorbed all of that, I got to thinking about why I would totally suck as a lotus birthing Earth Mama. Here are just a few reasons that such a lifestyle just wouldn’t work out in my household.

Lotus birthing involves allowing the child to remain attached to the placenta until it naturally detaches. Earth Mama claims it wasn’t hard—they just threw it in a Ziploc, carried it along with them in a joey pouch, laid it to rest beside the bed while they slept, etc. The “musty” smell didn’t bother them.

Lindsay’s house: One kid and accompanying placenta slung over each shoulder (did I mention I’m having twins?) dogs trailing behind me, desperate for a snack. SNARF.

Earth Mama’s House: The cord gently detaches on its own, or oops! Baby grabs it and adorably pops it off.

Lindsay’s House: Toddler, demanding attention, snatches at the cord and proceeds to use it as a “fishing pole” over the back of the couch. (Insert photo here)

Earth mama’s house: The musty smell is a minor inconvenience compared to the benefits.

Lindsay’s house: “I smell rotting flesh. WHY DO I SMELL ROTTING FL—oh.”

I support everyone’s parenting choices, and I realize that everyone has the right to do what works for them. Hell, I even admire that lady’s dedication. I just don’t live in a world where such things would *actually* pan out.

Honey, can you pass me the remote control? I think it’s under the placenta.

About LindsayM

Lindsay Maloan is a Jill of All Trades. She can take purty pictures, arrange the snot out of some flowers, sew a dinosaur hoodie for your wee T-Rex, and she knows most of the words to “Baby Got Back.” If you are lost in the woods, Lindsay won’t help you survive, but she can name the tree you lay down to die under. A former zookeeper and current public servant, she’s familiar with all the stops on the crazy train. A good thing, too, considering she’s got twin girls baking in the old lovin’ oven. She lives in New Orleans with her husband, preschooler son, and dogs. You can find more of her many words and deeds on her blog, With A Little Love and Luck.

Comments

  1. Fuckit, that captcha math shit robs me of my original comment almost daily! ARG.

    Anyways…Lotus birthing=buzzkill.

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  2. Elisa says:

    oh, hell NO. I am all for a natural birth if possible, but that just sounds unsanitary and just plain gross. So much about the miracle of life ends up being a lot more disgusting than you expected – no need to add a bit of portable flesh to the equation. Yuck *shudders*

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