Decorating With Animals – OR – My Marmoset Has Horrible Taste in Fabric

When I found out that the latest trend in interior design is to decorate with animals, I dusted off my dog’s top hat and monocle and said, “Come, Chewie! We are going to Target!” But then I found out that what they mean is to use animals as objects and inspriation in your decorating, and not as a team effort.

I obviously had a lot to learn about this new trend, so I scoured the internet and came up with a few rules you can use.

Here are seven things – according to CNN – that you might not know about decorating with animals:

1. Foxes are the new owl.

Image via sxc

In an arbitrary decision that is sure to cause panic nation-wide, foxes have been declared the new owl. All across America, dumpsters are being filled to the brim with owl-covered mugs, throw pillows, and tee shirts.

Called “home decor’s new ‘it’ animal” by the LA Times, Etsy (an online flea market for the modern age) is crowded with fox paraphenalia. You can get fox bookends, earrings with little fox faces on them, and art prints featuring foxes wearing clothes, which is ridiculous because foxes don’t wear clothes. Take off that necktie, Fox! You’re not people!

 

2. “The opossum is the most divisive of all the animals.”

photo credit: AndrewKantor via photopin cc

That’s some true shit right there. This is a quote from Walton Creel, who makes pictures by shooting bullets into large pieces of aluminum. He has a bullet hole opossum available if you’re into it.

Let me tell you a little story about opossums. When my twins were newborns, I’d say maybe three weekes old, my husband and I awoke in the middle of our one hour of sleep a night to hear hissing coming from their bedroom. We raced in there, ready to pee ourselves at a moment’s notice, and discovered it was coming from underneath the floor of their nursery. Turns out we had an opossum in the crawl space eating a pile of baby rats and hissing at the momma rat when she tried to save her baby rats (which are known as “kittens” or “pups,” a choice that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever except that they are trying to divert your attention away from the fact that those things are little baby horror fuel).

So thanks and all, but you can keep that shit out of my living room.

3. “Fauxidermy is the new taxidermy.”

As far as I can make out, fauxidermy consists of three things:

  • Animals that died of natural causes such as manual strangulation
  • Animal heads that are made out of papier-maché and sold at West Elm
  • Animals that were killed so long ago that one one can hold you responsible for their deaths

photo credit: dklimke via photopin cc

For example, Elle Decor interiors editor Robert Rufino has two “antique” (i.e. long dead) deer heads in the entry way of his home.

“’I think they are absolutely beautiful. I love their antlers,’ he said. And when he’s greeted at the door by one of those handsome stags, Rufino said, ‘it’s like, ‘Hi! How are you?’ ”

“I’m great, Bob! Feeling spectacular. Just chilling here on the wall listening to people talk about designing with fringe and feathers instead of running through fields or whatever other shit deers with legs do. It’s a dream come true.”

 

4. “Animal prints are the new beige.”

photo credit: JenWaller via photopin cc

Yup. Beige. Just blends right in. And it’s the perfect neutral backdrop for snorting coke off a hooker.

 

 

 

 

 

5. “Remember that a little goes a long way.”

photo credit: Jon Åslund via photopin cc

If you are going to have a full-sized replica of an animal in your house, I am going to have one question for you. And that question is: Can I ride it? If the answer is no, then I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing there.

Take it down a notch, National Velvet.

 

 

 

6. “Enjoy rugs for their durability and unique shape.”

photo credit: pareeerica via photopin cc

As opposed to their ephemeral nature and hideous “rug” shape.

From all of my research, it appears that people rave about rugs made from animal hides because they don’t stain. I’m not going to kid you – this was a lightbulb moment for me. I had never considered how stain-resistant a cow might be before. It has opened up a whole new world of possibilities for me. For example, a cow sounds like the perfect companion for a dramatic break up; you can toss a glass of red wine in a cow’s face and it’s going to come right out. No one gets hurt.

 

7. “Consider sentiment and stories.”

photo credit: Meddling with Nature via photopin cc

“This peacock killed my grandfather.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yes. So I had it stuffed and put on display here, next to the toilet. It’s a testament to the power of perserverance and the element of surprise.”
“But…hang on. So how did it –”
“Never get out of the car at a peacock preserve, Jeremy. Never.”

So it looks like there are a lot of people out there who are going to need to have a meaningful moment with a fox pretty soon. They’re the new owl, you know.

 

About MeredithB

Meredith lives in Seattle, WA where she does mediocre writing and mildly offensive parenting. She writes the funny on her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com) and as a staff writer at Aiming Low (http://www.aiminglow.com).

Comments

  1. ChrisBird says:

    Hahahahahahahaha. This was extremely humorous to a fox such as myself. I have killed and butchered a deer before, but I didn’t save the head. Sort of wish I had now. Thanks for the good laugh.

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