CAUTION: The News Could Be Hazardous To Your Health

I have a love/hate thing with the news.
I’m not talking about politics on the cable news networks, but the nightly network news.  I consider myself a responsible grown up.  I keep up with all the happenings around the globe. I bone up on the latest injustices and horrors going on around the planet.  Usually Anderson Cooper is camped out there.
God, it’s horrible.  I can barely stand the deluge of devastation presented in tidy half hour bite sized segments; the choking hazards that are news broadcasts.
And worse?  The commercials.  If all that horrendously bad news doesn’t age me at least twenty years, the commercials will.  After just one hour, my teeth feel loose as my stools and just a little bit of leakage occurs.
Reminds me of my parents watching the news when I was a kid.  Remember when it was on in the background and you’d catch the gastly sight of some spunky octogenarian clamping down on an ear of corn and happily expounding upon the virtues of Super Poli Grip?  Do you, like me, wince when you recall the Grecian Formula spots in quick succession with Depends undergarments?  Remember age spots?  How about Madge “soaking in it”?
Back then, I was insulated from all that because it wasn’t relevant to me.
But holy shit on a two ply shingle – the day Lisa Rena stood on a mock red carpet urging me to get a “load” of how great she looked and felt in her Depends undergarment smartly positioned beneath her Dolce Gabbana, it scared the crap out of me.  And when I read that according to Madison Avenue, Super Poli Grip was trending with fortysomethings, it was enough to make me throw my abacus out the nearest window.  Denture commercials directed toward my demographic? I grit my teeth at the thought.   Maybe I don’t have dentures floating in a fizzy highball glass, but damn. Now I’m afraid of corn.
When did this happen?  I’ve been rinsing out the gray. I haven’t succumbed to Mom jeans. But some days, I stand before the mirror sizing up the bloated, graying, puffy eyed, turkey necked impostor staring back at me and it’s a drag.  Makes me want to reach for the Cream of Wheat to give the ‘ole chompers a break.  You know…spoil the bod, spare the molars.
Maybe I should ditch the evening news and stick to MSNBC.  You know, eff the Cream Of Wheat and open a box of Lucky Charms  instead.  Dig right in. I’m not ready for Golden Years Grahams, but I don’t mind a little gold at the end of the rainbow. As long as Anderson Cooper isn’t there.
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About Linda Roy

Linda is a writer/musician with a Peter Pan Petty complex, a guitar toting husband, two boys and pug dependency issues. She’s grateful that the word “snark” has been introduced into the vernacular since people just used to know her as “the chick with the bad attitude”.  She feels strangely akin to Larry David and will criticize your parallel parking abilities to prove it. She blogs at elleroy was here and fronts the Indie Americana band Jehova Waitresses.  She also writes at Lefty Pop and Funny Not Slutty. Connect with her on TwitterFacebook and Google+


  1. ChrisBird says:

    I’m looking forward to my golden years. I embrace my quickly graying mop and my deep laugh lines. I also hope I get a receding hairline, but it’s not looking good for me. One thing I don’t look forward to is dentures, so I’ll be going the way of the implant.

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  2. Linda says:

    Dentures would suck. I’m just gonna gum everything or live on smoothies.

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