CAUTION: The News Could Be Hazardous To Your Health
by 2 Comments•
I have a love/hate thing with the news.
I’m not talking about politics on the cable news networks, but the nightly network news. I consider myself a responsible grown up. I keep up with all the happenings around the globe. I bone up on the latest injustices and horrors going on around the planet. Usually Anderson Cooper is camped out there.
God, it’s horrible. I can barely stand the deluge of devastation presented in tidy half hour bite sized segments; the choking hazards that are news broadcasts.
And worse? The commercials. If all that horrendously bad news doesn’t age me at least twenty years, the commercials will. After just one hour, my teeth feel loose as my stools and just a little bit of leakage occurs.
Reminds me of my parents watching the news when I was a kid. Remember when it was on in the background and you’d catch the gastly sight of some spunky octogenarian clamping down on an ear of corn and happily expounding upon the virtues of Super Poli Grip? Do you, like me, wince when you recall the Grecian Formula spots in quick succession with Depends undergarments? Remember age spots? How about Madge “soaking in it”?
Back then, I was insulated from all that because it wasn’t relevant to me.
But holy shit on a two ply shingle – the day Lisa Rena stood on a mock red carpet urging me to get a “load” of how great she looked and felt in her Depends undergarment smartly positioned beneath her Dolce Gabbana, it scared the crap out of me. And when I read that according to Madison Avenue, Super Poli Grip was trending with fortysomethings, it was enough to make me throw my abacus out the nearest window. Denture commercials directed toward my demographic? I grit my teeth at the thought. Maybe I don’t have dentures floating in a fizzy highball glass, but damn. Now I’m afraid of corn.
When did this happen? I’ve been rinsing out the gray. I haven’t succumbed to Mom jeans. But some days, I stand before the mirror sizing up the bloated, graying, puffy eyed, turkey necked impostor staring back at me and it’s a drag. Makes me want to reach for the Cream of Wheat to give the ‘ole chompers a break. You know…spoil the bod, spare the molars.
Maybe I should ditch the evening news and stick to MSNBC. You know, eff the Cream Of Wheat and open a box of Lucky Charms instead. Dig right in. I’m not ready for Golden Years Grahams, but I don’t mind a little gold at the end of the rainbow. As long as Anderson Cooper isn’t there.
photo credit: mobilitydigest.com