Arachnophobia

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I’ll admit it. I’m not exactly a huge fan of spiders.

You see, dear neighbors, that’s not the latest dance crazy I’m doing on the porch every morning when I’m taking the kids to the bus stop. That’s me getting trapped in a gigantic spider web and getting the HEEBY JEEBIES and attempting to get said spider web off. I know, I know, they eat other insects, blah, blah, mosquitos, blah. But I don’t want them all over my house. And they are. ALL. OVER. MY. HOUSE.

Right now we’ve got three GIGANTIC orb spiders in various positions on the porch. Orb spiders are amazing. They take that web down EVERY DAY, hide nearby, and then recreate their web every night at dusk. Amazing to watch, really. And my kid has dubbed them “Harry” and “Harriet” because they look, well, hairy. Isn’t that ADORABLE? Yeah, I find nothing warm and fuzzy about it, either. I mean, they are fuzzy. Very fuzzy. Hairy, in fact. Oh, nevermind.

Step out my back door and you’re once again caught in their gigantic webs of lies and deceit. They’re even harder to see back there, see. The dog goes charging out, I see nothing, and think I’m safe. That’s when I realize she’s two feet tall and I’m not and the invisible web hits me across the face. A little swatting and cursing and I’m almost certain I’ve got it all off. That’s usually when I find the spider in my hair.

Yes. I did scream. How did you know?

I’m the one that made my kids homemade spider costumes for Halloween when they were infants and thought they looked all cute and stuff. But it was sort of foreshadowing, since my older son is horribly allergic to spiders. They take this as a sign to have an all night spider kegger in his room. Poor kid woke up a few times covered in welts, no matter how much we vacuum and dust and clean and rearrange and spray. We just live in spider central. We even resorted to “spider spray” in his room to get him to sleep better at night, since he has Spider PTSD. It’s actually room spray but SHHHHH don’t tell. It works so far.

Only about three more weeks of the spider web dance and the first frost will be here. Not that I’m counting or anything.

About Marj Hatzell

Marj Hatzell climbed Mount Everest, explored the Amazon and swam across the English Channel. Not really, but she's the mother of two kids with special needs so SAME THING. She prefers dogs over people, which means she has STELLAR social skills. Marj isn't a writer but she plays one on tv. Marj also goes to eleven. You can find her at her non-paying day job, the wildly unsuccessful blog The Domestic Goddess, on Twitter, and on Facebook. She also has a not-so-new and definitely-not-successful-and-ignored blog at The Crazy Dog Lady and Facebook page no one visits.

Comments

  1. Shay says:

    I hate hate hate spiders, but I have to admit, the orb spiders sound pretty cool…as long as they’re far enough away that I can feel comfortable watching them…

  2. ChrisBird says:

    Do you have mud wasps around your place? They make little tubes of mud on the side of your house and go around filling them with spiders. They lay their babies in one end and they eat their way through the spideys and come out the other end. Very cool, so if you hate spiders, don’t smash any tubes off of your house. The wasps are also quite docile towards humans.

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