Even as a
teenager legal 21-year-old, I could never hold my liquor. I would have a few drinks and then giggle myself to sleep in the corner. So when, this past winter, friends suggested we crawl out of hibernation for a Throwback to College party, I was intent on reliving my glory days. And staying awake for it.
Our attempts to conjure images of our former selves were met with undeniable contrasts; there is quite a difference between partying like College Crazies of 2000 vs. Tired Parents of 2013. For starters, no one was underage. In fact, some of the guys brought their dads. Seriously, there were grandfathers playing beer pong. They threw at the cups underhand and were all kinds of adorable.
But it wasn’t just the chaperon-esque atmosphere. No, it was much more than talk of retirement plans and gluten-free diets. There were several other indications that we just can’t hang like we used to…
1. The party started at 4:30 in the afternoon. Know what else starts at 4:30pm? Dinner for 75-year-olds at Denny’s.
2. It didn’t take me 3 hours to get ready. The most time consuming part of dressing was stuffing myself into my Spanx.
3. I didn’t pre-game. Unless you count Candyland with a 3-year-old as pre-gaming.
4. My husband wanted to bring chili. CHILI. If this had been 10 years ago, and he told the guys he was bringing a Crockpot of beans, they would have banned him or at the very least reminded him of the strict College Criteria: if it can’t get me drunk or laid, piss off.
5. All of the girls remained fully clothed for the duration of the party. We didn’t even go to the potty in groups. Biggie girls!
6. We did do shots, but they consisted of specialty vodka and Godiva liquor, were served in fresh, hollowed-out strawberries and garnished with a dollop of whipped cream. Pinkies up, bitches.
7. We had designated drivers.
8. Instead of taking “sexy” duck face pictures, we showed off pics of our kids. And lemme tell ya, I would rather look at 20 shots of the first day of preschool than one more Facebook friend’s boobs. Bras. Buy them.
9. In the first round of flip cup, I flipped the cup the wrong way. You’re thinking, “So what?” In college, one false flip cup move and riots erupted. Best friends pummeled each other. People were bloodied. But at this party? Meh. Everyone was too busy drinking their strawberries to notice.
10. I drunk dialed our babysitter. She will be getting a raise.
And one to grow on…
11. I wanted to get pregnant after the party.
I won’t lie: I was hurtin’ the next day. I had to eat my weight in carbs and wear my sunglasses until dinnertime just to regain my equilibrium, but it was well worth it.
That said, the next time we receive an invitation to live it up à la our college days, I will suggest heading to a matinee or staying in to watch House Hunters on HGTV. Go big or go home, that’s my motto.
This post and graphic originally published on WhenCrazyMeetsExhaustion.com