Every spring in the town of Port Hope, Ontario, thousands congregate on the shores of the Ganaraska River to commemorate the devastating flooding of it’s banks in 1980. It’s called Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny, and it’s a good time for everyone. Hundreds of competitors plunge headlong into the river and race to the
deathfinish line to see who gets all of the glory. I was one of these people this year, and I’m here to show you how you can do it too. Just get your ass to Port Hope on the first Saturday in April and follow these simple directions.
1. Build yourself a seaworthy vessel
2. Choose your maties wisely
3. Mexican wrestlers are strong
4. Proper tools are overrated
5. Find the steepest possible launch site
6. Have a sturdy flagpole
7. Wait your turn
8. Don’t be afraid to push, pull, or carry your craft
9. Hang the fuck on
10. Hang the fuck on some more
You don’t always place in the top ten in your first year, but you had damn well better do it in your second. If, for whatever reason, you don’t feel like entering the race, you could always come and cheer us on at the finish line. There are all kinds of things going on down there. The Ganaraska Hotel is open and serving up some cold beer for the landlubbers, and maybe some grog for the seamen. There’s also live bands, vendors, firemen, and street meat, so make sure you are eating some peameal on a bun while you scream our name.