How To Properly Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny

Every spring in the town of Port Hope, Ontario, thousands congregate on the shores of the Ganaraska River to commemorate the devastating flooding of it’s banks in 1980. It’s called Float Your Fanny Down The Ganny, and it’s a good time for everyone. Hundreds of competitors plunge headlong into the river and race to the deathfinish line to see who gets all of the glory. I was one of these people this year, and I’m here to show you how you can do it too. Just get your ass to Port Hope on the first Saturday in April and follow these simple directions.

1. Build yourself a seaworthy vessel

 

2. Choose your maties wisely

Choose your maties wisely

If you can find a guy with hands growing out of his head, you should take a chance on him.

3. Mexican wrestlers are strong

Mexican wrestlers are strong

Make sure you have at least one of them on board for carrying heavy things.

4. Proper tools are overrated

Proper tools are over-rated

Paddles are expensive, so just grab whatever you have around the house.

 5. Find the steepest possible launch site

Find the steepest possible launch site

That way you can be really tired when you finally start your journey.

6. Have a sturdy flagpole

Have a sturdy flagpole

That way your booze and cell phones will never get lost.

7.  Wait your turn

Wait your turn

You will have plenty of time to make it by these yahoos when they are hung up rocks and fallen down trees.

8.  Don’t be afraid to push, pull, or carry your craft

Don't be afraid to push or carry your craft

Sometimes you put too many fucking obstructions on the bottom of your raft. In these cases you will need to get off and physically push it and your lazy ass crew over the shallow spots. Build the next one better, dummy.

9. Hang the fuck on

Hang the fuck on

Grab a hold of something, or someone, and hang the fuck on.

 10. Hang the fuck on some more

Hang the fuck on some more

Did you think I was joking? Hang the fuck on to something.

You don’t always place in the top ten in your first year, but you had damn well better do it in your second. If, for whatever reason, you don’t feel like entering the race, you could always come and cheer us on at the finish line. There are all kinds of things going on down there. The Ganaraska Hotel is open and serving up some cold beer for the landlubbers, and maybe some grog for the seamen. There’s also live bands, vendors, firemen, and street meat, so make sure you are eating some peameal on a bun while you scream our name.

About ChrisBird

A self proclaimed "free thinker", Chris has spent most of his life doing what he wants. He wears lovely velour shirts at will, and he rarely brushes his teeth. If you find something at a thrift store that you feel needs to be modelled, please let him know, and he will tell you where to send it. When he is not being whimsical, he can be found in “The Cocoon” with his forgiving wife, and his dog Blue. Well, except for when it’s time for romance, that’s when Blue has to skedaddle. You only make that mistake once. He can be found at Change The Topic, on the ultra-cool Google+, The Twitter, and sadly, Facebook.

Comments

  1. Linda Roy says:

    That looks like crazy big fun! Reminds me of the bed races in Akron.

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