Signs Your Kid Might Grow Up To Be a Super Villain

A lot of times people show their careers at a very young age. Like you see Little Timmy behaving a certain way and you’ll say, “Oh, he’s going to grow up to be such a good policeman.”

And then in a few years, you have Officer Timothy, heading up the Block Parent Association meeting at your local grade school on volunteer night.

But did you know that some more outlandish careers can also show signs at a very young age?

Even a career as strange and dastardly as a Super Villain can be quite apparent by the time your pride and joy is ready for pre-school.

I’ve compiled a list of clues for you to watch that could alert you to whether or not you’re living under the same roof with a  child who dreams of world domination while others kiddies are dreaming of mommy giving them enough quarters for the ice cream truck.

1.) A fascination with bugs or another weird animal. Every super villain needs a quote on quote power animal. This can sometimes be their inspiration and is often seen sitting holding said creature on their laps, stroking them while confiding their evil plan to them. A bee, for example, could motivate a villain or a villain in training to think that it would be a good idea to impose their lifestyle on the civilized world. Other animals, like a spider, well, it’s easy to see the danger there. If you don’t see it, good chance there is no DNA risk of a super villain. If you know what I’m talking about? Bad News. (spiders shoot venom to pulverize, see?) An example of their loose dialogue, “Aren’t bees marvelous? They shouldn’t be able to fly, but they do. No one tells them what to do!”

2.) Your kid doesn’t have that thing in his brain that tells him something won’t happen. Most of us know we won’t rule the world. Little Tommy truly has this as a career option. In most kids, a vivid imagination and big dreams are a good thing but if Little Tommy wants to become a super villain, you’d better hope they don’t reach for the stars. Many people don’t know this but a lot of children have crazy harebrained ideas on how to make the world “better,” usually these are delusional and the basis for a super villain’s plot. Most children thankfully do not actually grow up to become super villains because they have the reality filter in their head that tells them no one will listen to them — so if you see your kid monologuing his secret plan to his six-inch Superman action figures while it’s tied to a model rocket with pipe cleaners, you should probably tell you child to find a different game to play. Act quickly before he shouts, “No one can stop me now!” and launches the mini Man of Steel into space.

3.) Your child thinks everyone is really dumb. Super villains and those who aspire to be them, think of themselves very highly and think little of the dummies around them, except to see them as future minions. When a super villain’s in charge, you can be sure they won’t have a cabinet or parliament or any house of representatives. What you’ll never hear is the newly self-christened “Tommy the Destroyer” listen to the views of others and think “Hmmm. You know what? That IS a good idea!”  All their underlings wear their favorite color 24 hours a day and they really don’t care what other people think. If it makes them happy, it makes sense.

4.) They say, “I’ll show them all!” If you’re talking to your kid and he answers you with, “One day, oh yes ONE DAY you will pay. You’ll AAAAALL pay.”

5.) Your kid has aspirations to be a PhD in some strange area, and it’s not a medical specialty. Let’s face it, all villains are smart, now I am not saying all smart people are evil, I’m saying when you compare the villain to his or her heroic opponents, you can guess who’ll win at Jeopardy.

6.) They’ll need a doctorate in elemental something because they need to know how to use radioactivity to mutate their minions.

7.) They’ll have architectural skills to construct their lair, industrial psychology skills to coordinate  minions and thugs, some basic self defense knowledge for the final battle, and gymnastics abilities to flip over stuff like nuclear generators.

8.) Fashion design knowledge to design their costumes.

9.) Artistic predisposition to come up with their logo.

10.) Even though they’re bad at it, they’ll need to know some politics for when they take over the world and need to know who to ask for the one kajillion dollars.

Let’s face it, if a villain doesn’t have a doctorate, he’s not going to go far. The dopey villains are doomed to be sidekicks or henchmen to the evil smarter villains. Often when an evil villain has reached the top of his career no one is actually quite sure what he has a degree in. He’s just Dr. Pain or Professor Destructo or DisastroClops, M.D.

If your child exhibits more than three of these signs, you should encourage them to find other things to do and maybe get your boorish rude old uncle the dream crusher to come over and spend time with Little Tommy. He can talk to him in his nurturing way, saying things like, “World domination? What? Of the kiddie pool? Rule the world? Let’s trying ruling tying your shoelaces first.”

 

Photo originally created for Aiming Low by Xavier Schultze

About Alexandra

Alexandra is a writer who has found the secret to getting rich as a blogger that she'll share with you for just $9.99. When not taking her checks to the bank, Alexandra blogs at Good Day Regular People about life as an overanalyzing mother of three boys trying to go unnoticed in her small town. The most important things you need to know about her are that the internet saves her daily and that she believes the most you can ask for in life is to arrive at the end of it all with your hair messed up, out of breath, and not throwing up. Alexandra is a contributing writer for TikiTikiblog and FunnynotSlutty.

Comments

  1. Lovelyn says:

    There’s nothing wrong with becoming a super villain. I provides you with job security and financial stability as long as some superhero doesn’t come along and try to screw things up for you. Also you get cool gadgets.

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    • Alexandra says:

      Thanks for being here, Lovely. I am so proud that anissa allowed my teen boy’s artwork here. IT”S SO AWESOME. And yea, to the cool gadgets, right?

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      • Lovelyn says:

        Your son did the artwork! He’s very talented.

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        • Alexandra says:

          Aw, thank you. He’s my kid that’s been drawing since 2 years old. Scared the heck out of me back then when he toddled over with a picture of an orange tiger with black stripes, green eyes, and a tuft at the end of his tail. “tiger, mama… a tiger.” Genetically predisposed without a doubt. I can’t draw a circle. xo

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          • Arnebya says:

            It’s amazing to witness, isn’t it? At 2 my older daughter had drawn a woman in a shirt, skirt, gloves, bracelets, matching shoes and handbag with a regal bun in her hair. She’s 12 now, stilld drawing/designing. And I love it. I sneak and stare at some of the things because I wonder if she’s traced them, they are that intricate. Innate ability, completely. Because I draw stick people. My boy, though? Total super villain. Your boy is incredibly talented, but then you already know that. (I’m still typing trying avoid this damn math problem below).

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  2. Lisa says:

    Reminds me of the villain in Inspector Gadget, Dr. Claw, who always petted his equally evil kitty. I think he had a doctorate in cackling.

  3. Myra says:

    I loved it! My children are adults now and both are in careers foreshadowed by quirky childhood behaviors. You made me look back and laugh!

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  4. Alexandra says:

    Thank you, Myra, it makes me happy that we could make you laugh here. xo

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