What Is All This Slender Man Garbage?

Seriously, I want to know. It can’t be just our two kids that are totally obsessed with everything Slender Man. Can it?

Know Your Meme says that he originated in a photo contest where people were asked to digitally alter a photo to make it as creepy as they could. The (urban) legend just built from there. More photos and stories came in. He’s a tall, thin, blank faced man who can teleport at will and has arms that stretch as far as he wants, not to mention tentacles that come out of his back. He stalks children, can manipulate video recordings and always wears a black suit and tie.

Seems awesome, right.

Our oldest wants to marry him.

This is him without the tentacles. Why the fuck would you not want him to have tentacles.

That’s right. She would like to be Mrs. Man, and I’m totally okay with that. When she turns 18!

I mean, why not? He doesn’t even kill anyone…that we know of. Yeah, he can mess with your video camera and memory, but who cares? He’s got to be the shittiest villain since Kite Man. He doesn’t even have any hands or a face. What the hell is he going to do to her, fuck with her iPod?

The only thing that I can think of that would be worse than all of these stupid Slender Man video games and urban legend stories would be if they made a shitty movie out of it. They could make it like The Blair Witch Project, except no one would get hurt and you wouldn’t be able to see the film footage whenever he was close to you. I can picture seeing him in the woods and trying to dodge him, but only because he’s mildly annoying.

“Shit, there’s Slender Man.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake. I wanted to film us catching a trout in the stream. He’ll mess it all up with his ‘ power’. Let’s just sneak around him and try to be quiet.”

“Yeah, he’s such an asshole and it’s like he doesn’t know we can’t stand him. If he would leave us alone for fifteen minutes, we wouldn’t have to avoid him all the time.”

“No, but we probably would anyhow. Ha ha ha ha.”

“Shhhhhh. I think he heard you. Yep, great, now he’s coming this way. Oh well, you’re dealing with him this time. I’m going home.”

“Shit. Sorry, dude.”

So what aggravating shit  is your kid into? Shake it up, Dora The Explorer, Call Me Maybe? I can’t stand any of them.

About ChrisBird

A self proclaimed "free thinker", Chris has spent most of his life doing what he wants. He wears lovely velour shirts at will, and he rarely brushes his teeth. If you find something at a thrift store that you feel needs to be modelled, please let him know, and he will tell you where to send it. When he is not being whimsical, he can be found in “The Cocoon” with his forgiving wife, and his dog Blue. Well, except for when it’s time for romance, that’s when Blue has to skedaddle. You only make that mistake once. He can be found at Change The Topic, on the ultra-cool Google+, The Twitter, and sadly, Facebook.


  1. Lovelyn says:

    That Blair Witch Project esque Slenderman movie already exists online. Plenty of them do, but the first was called Marble Hornet. Here’s the link if you have enough time on your hands to waste watching it. http://www.youtube.com/user/MarbleHornets I don’t get the slenderman things either.

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    • ChrisBird says:

      Wow, that is bad video and thanks for helping me kill 15 minutes of my life. I love how the video gets screwed up, but not when he’s actually there. All of a sudden… PEEKABOO! Ah, kids.

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  2. Maggie S. says:

    Please. I’m still having flashbacks from the ONE DIRECTION phase.

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  3. Linda says:

    It’s not just you. My two boys are really into it too. I think it’s a little creepy, but what do I know? Nuthin’!

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  4. Reanna says:

    I dunno… having a son-in-law who can clearly snake a clogged toilet can’t be all bad. And if he’s the dick you assume him to be, just flush your daughter’s copies of Twilight and Hunger Games and then invite them over for dinner…

    • Mary Potter says:

      My son’s play the video game on the computer and swear it is the scariest thing either of them have ever experienced. To me it just looks like them walking around in woods at night, but their shouts seem genuine coming from the computer room.


  1. [...] wrote this post over at Aiming Low and I guess they published it last week. It’s about fucking Slenderman. He’s bigger [...]

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