Dear Victoria’s Secret: You Must Be Drunk…

As I have gotten older and wider, I have amassed a longer list of stores I frequent less often. Stores that cater to the ultra-thin demographic. Stores that only have extremely tight-fitting clothes. Stores that peddle merchandise that is designed to place advertising (via words) on my butt. I am looking at you Abercrombie & Fitch, Charlotte Russe, and especially you, Victoria’s Secret. I am sorry, but your desire to highlight the worst parts of my body with screen printing, sequins, and glitter has ushered me right out of your frequent shopper lists.

Except for one thing, Victoria’s Secret… I still really love your bras. I like the lift they give me and they are very pretty. For that reason, I continue to subscribe to your emails so I can be elated when I receive your $10-off-bras-in-your-birth-month announcement. (P.S. If anyone from the Victoria’s Secret marketing department is reading this, I have not yet received this email and March is the month of my birth. Just sayin’.)

The fact that I am still waiting is the reason I opened their most recent email blast to my inbox, and scrolled to the bottom of the email. It was then that I saw it… the most egregious of lies ever told. Here it is, I’m going to tell you…

The line after the price — the line that says this thong is… One. Size. Fits. ALL. They are drunk, right???

After reading such a claim, I had a moment of incredulousness that was immediately followed by the need to search for the hidden cameras to catch my reaction. That sort of claim could only exist in a comedy skit trying to elicit hilarious reactions, right??? I am still not convinced that is not the case.

But just for a moment, let us ponder this possibility…

Was there some fine print I missed that indicated it was One Size Fits All because they only had one size?

Did Victoria’s Secret create some sort of special fabric that magically generates more fabric when it touches cellulite?

Are the manufacturers of Victoria’s Secret thongs vacationing in a depth of hell and disillusionment that has not yet been discovered?*

The reason must be something fantastic for anyone to believe that somehow a thong that will fit on a size 2 woman would also fit a size 14 woman and not result in misshapen fabric that was pulled so taught that it is stretched into barely visible remnants that are clinging to each other for dear life.

Would you like to know why I suspect this to be the case? It is because I have been to the website and it has pictures of people who are proudly displaying thongs whose fabric is working much harder than intended. Both men and women. I still have nightmares.

So, my dear Victoria’s Secret, I must tell you that I think you are drunk with this premise. And that I am really, really hoping it was a misprint. Or it was actually supposed to be a selling point on your new line of muu muu’s. Please?

photo credit: brianj.lowe via photopin cc

About the Author

Jessica Hensley blogs at To Black Belt and Beyond, where she describes herself like the karate kid but older. She ends every blog post with a quality of a black belt. So here is the first quality: Indomitable Spirit. She will not allow herself to be beaten by fear of failure (or falling on her butt). In all honesty, fear of falling on her butt probably ranks first. She is already dreading a running kick, but here goes anyway!

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  1. Linda says:

    Jesus, Lord and Savior – my retinas are on fire. Ooh…weeee….*rubs eyes fervently*.
    The thong is wrong on so many levels, not the least of which being the fact that dental floss makes a crummy undergarment.

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    • Jessica says:

      See, thongs are so wrong that even on a skinny girl it looks really, really bad. I am starting to think that Victoria’s real secret is either a.) that she just doesn’t like women’s butts to be comfortable or look good or b.) she is really a man with mommy issues.

  2. IzzyMom says:

    Ugh…they can keep their magical one-size-fits-all thong. I will never make peace with the feeling of something stuck in my butt crack…and not for lack of trying. I’ve accepted that it’s just not going to happen.

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    • Jessica says:

      I tried them in my youth, for YEARS. I seriously have no clue how I stood them for so long! Now that boy shorts are cute and trendy again, this girl is in underwear heaven!!!


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