Robert Peed on the Floor

It happened when I was in kindergarten.

Not only did he pee on the floor, but he did it while straddling two sinks in the boys washroom at Plainville Public School, and he didn’t give two shits that I was watching.

I, of course, ran to the hall and told the first person I saw.

It was Mrs. Shwie Schwie

It was Mrs. Sh-why-my-er, the custodian.

I really don’t know why we had such a high concentration of German faculty at that little country school, or why I can never spell their names, but we did, and I can’t.

I didn’t know much about Mrs. S, except that she lived near the school, and she was far from appropriate around school children.

I say she lived close by, but that’s actually an assumption, because she drove an old, orange moped to work every day. A lot of time she was pedaling, and if you’ve ever tried pedaling a late 1960′s moped, you’ll know you wouldn’t come far like that. Her inappropriateness around schoolchildren, however, is something I have witnessed firsthand, so I know it’s true.

Didn’t they all look like this back then?

Me:  Help! Robert is peeing. He peed all over the floor.

Her: He what?

Me: He peed. He’s peeing. He’s going to fall.

It was at this time that the boy’s washroom door came flying open, and Robert came whipping out of it and down the hallway towards the kindergarten classroom. She took a swipe, but he was too fast for her.

I followed her into the lavatory.

Her: Arrrrgh. The little bastard peesed all over the place. He peesed on the floor.

Me: (Still in shock that anyone other than my dad would say those swears) Ummm, yes, he did. He peed. From up there.

I pointed to the sinks.

Her: Well don’t stand in it! Now you have to go wipe your shoes. You get your ass back to your classroom.

It was true. I was standing in the puddle of piss.

I scurried away, wiping my shoes on the front hall mat, and trying to hear the array of curse words that Mrs. S was letting fly from the janitor’s closet. Whatever it was, it sounded bad and angry, but really, what doesn’t when it’s muttered in a High German accent? I then went back to class and told on Robert, and Mrs. S for saying all of those bad words. I also mentioned that I stood in the pee, but I wiped my feet on the mat.  Our teacher told me that she would look into everything and assured me that it would all be okay.

It was.

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About ChrisBird

A self proclaimed "free thinker", Chris has spent most of his life doing what he wants. He wears lovely velour shirts at will, and he rarely brushes his teeth. If you find something at a thrift store that you feel needs to be modelled, please let him know, and he will tell you where to send it. When he is not being whimsical, he can be found in “The Cocoon” with his forgiving wife, and his dog Blue. Well, except for when it’s time for romance, that’s when Blue has to skedaddle. You only make that mistake once. He can be found at Change The Topic, on the ultra-cool Google+, The Twitter, and sadly, Facebook.


  1. Brad says:

    Who knew the pee incident would have such a profound influence on your life?

    As freely as Robert was urinating – you have found freedom in peeing from your pen when you write your posts.

    See the symbolic-ness of this?

    Robert was pissing on the system, literally and you do this with your writing(s).

    Good thing Robert didn’t shit on steps or your life may have taken a whole different direction :)

  2. Debbie says:

    Too funny!! I remember I was a tattletale when I was in Grade two. Kid swore, I told, and I ended up in the corner with the pointed hat on my head (yes I AM that old). Serves you right to be “symbolically ” fucked! With respect, of course.

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