Curing Sweaty Body Crevices

I’m sure you have heard of swass, or swack, as some people prefer to call it.

Swass is shortened for “sweaty ass” and swack is shortened for “sweaty crack.”  Here in my neck of the woods, my friends and I have been referring to swass as “swamp ass” since 1994 so for this post, swass will be known as swamp ass, and swack will not be used.

The definition of swass is:  the nasty feeling when your butt crack is sweaty, causing your underwear and pants to stick, or an occasional itching feeling. Usually caused by elevated tempatures or humidity while working or excessive walking.  Some people will also refer to their grundel area and scrotum as having swass, this is incorrect by definition and we will get into that in a moment.

I am sure everyone has had a case of it, very uncomfortable and hard to remedy.  I have found the best remedy is good old fashioned Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  DO NOT skimp and get the store brand, you need the original, yellow bottled, red capped Gold Bond.  If you want the extra special tingly feeling, you can get the extra strength Gold Bond.

Now as I was saying, some people claim they have swass in their grundel/scrotum area which in fact they should be referring to it as swalls–swamp balls or sweaty balls.  Gold Bond is the champion of defeating swalls as well.  Fair warning though, be prepared for two things.

  1. The instant cooling, tingling and relief that comes with spraying Gold Bond on your nutsack…it feels absolutely wonderful.
  2. The mess that happens when you apply Gold Bond.  There isn’t a non-messy way of applying the wonder cure.  Try to avoid dark carpets and black pants.

All this talk about swass and swalls got me thinking about different acronyms for similar problems. Another great remedy we have found years back is the automobile air vent, this only works in a car, SUV and truck dashboards are too tall.  What you need to do is freeball in a pair of shorts, sit in the front seat, aim the vent towards your crotchal region and crank up the AC. THE best car I have ever found was a 1989 Mazda MX6, it had a vent that was located right below the steering column…pure genius!

Obviously feet sweat, a lot, could we call it sweet?  “Man, I have some serious sweet today, maybe I shouldn’t have worn my leather flip flops.”

What about people who don’t wear deodorant?  Besides being dirty, smelly, granola farting hippies, they could refer to their sweaty armpits as swits.  “Dude, you have swits so bad it’s leaking into my iced Starbucks mocha, focha, fuckalatte.”

Do women have a similar problem?  Do they suffer from swussy or if you are a more vulgar person swunt?  Can you put Gold Bond up there?  I would imagine you couldn’t for fear of a yeast infection or something.  I imagine they suffer from swoobs, too?
About the Author
Kevin used to be cool, then he became a Dad.  He started Who Woulda Thought? as on outlet for stress but it quickly turned into a humorous blog about his daily life, Minions and The Trophy.  Kevin is truly a Dad trapped in a Mommy blog world. You can also find him Tweeting: @wouldathought.


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  1. Gold Bond is the shizzle for the swass. It’s gotten me through many a Civil War re-enactment.

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  2. Jenni says:

    Sweaty cleavage and sweaty under-boobs would require entirely different acronyms for entirely different problems. One is probably more sexy than the other.

  3. charlene says:

    I have done many walking races and that is the shit that kept the chafing to a minum. something about slapping it on made me happy/

  4. MamaKaren says:

    Gold Bond is da bomb. It seems so unfair that I get boob sweat, since I barely have any rack to speak of, but Gold Bond makes it better. Gold Bond in the blue bottle alleviates the stinkfoot really well.

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