I took my first ever flight last month. I won’t lie, I was a little nervous about flying for the first time. I wasn’t sure if I would be a bad flier or if it would terrify me and possess me to behave in some ridiculous way. Luckily, it did not. Well, except for the Xanax knocking me out and I am pretty sure that I was snoring because I was exhausted and drugged and that was probably pretty damn annoying to my fellow passengers. Lucky for me, no one saw fit to slap me or call me a dirty Mexican for doing so.
But I found out real fast that there are types of people that you inevitably will meet during your flying experience.
The jetsetter: This person wants to put on their headphones and not be disturbed. They will regal you with their tales of world travel until they don’t want to be bothered any longer, at which point, they will put on their headphones and watch the in flight movie without even as much as a fuck off.
The Nervous Nellie: This flyer will make you nervous. She sits serial killer quiet until she starts rambling and sweating profusely and then she looks like she might jump out of her skin or the plane. You get the sudden urge to flag down the air marshal because this broad is definitely a little froggy. You start to question whether or not you should have waited for the next flight surely this one is going down.
The Angry Slapper: This person is scared out of their mind to fly and is tired, cranky and more than likely drunk. They are definitely not themselves on this flight but that’s no excuse. But don’t get too close or they just might call you a nasty name and invade your personal space while beating you down. This person should be duct taped and pistol whipped at once. Keep your distance. He’s a mean one.
The first time flyer: This was me. She is cheery and talkative and will chat up anyone; lots of nervous energy going on here. She will offer you gum, ask you where you are going and if you seem stressed she’ll offer to share some of her nerve pills. She’ll blankly stare out the window like a psychopath but its only because she’s amazed. She’s not thinking of a plane crash or anything, I promise. She’s also the one who’s got too much shit to fit in the overhead but she’ll make it fit anyways. Forgive her, she’ll know better for next time.
Everyone else: Sitting in their seat waiting to reach their destination, wishing their seat was wider and that the person next to them would stop popping their gum and invest in a stronger deodorant.
Which one of these are you?