If Keith Richards Were President

At 67-years-old, taking on some double pistol packing insane dude who’s standing right in front of you, set to kill you, and you commence to beating them, with your cane. That’s the way I imagine Keith Richards going out of this world.

If  Keith Richards were to be President, he would have been Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson. Born on the Ides of March, the 6’2″, 140 lbs Jackson lived an I don’t give a shit life beginning at age 12, when he joined a local militia and quickly became a prisoner of war for the British. When ordered to polish a British General’s boots, he told the requesting officer that he’d shine his boots the day the officer got to know a donkey biblically. The Brit General slashed an X on the young Jackson’s face with his sword, and Jackson again issued the invitation, “Go to your beast, sir.”

His mother and father were both dead by age 14, and being an orphan meant he was dirt poor–and yet he grew up to be el presidente. He taught himself country lawyerin’ Matlock style, and thus began his political career.

The very first assassination attempt on a U.S. President was against Jackson, when an unemployed painter aimed a pistol at Jackson and misfired. Jackson whipped out his hickory cane and proceeded to beat the poor idiot of a man about the head so severely that members of congress had to pull Jackson off.

No gentrified country leader, Andrew “The Mob” Jackson organized a group of pirates to defend New Orleans. The British attackers totally freaked at finding pirates on dry land and ran yelping away with their tails between their legs. He was in over 103 duels in his life, the most famous one for once shooting a man who looked at his wife, Rachel. Oh, and Rachel? Yah, well, he married her while she was still married to another man.

He held his Presidential ball–which worked out to be a Presidential brawl because he invited the entire nation–on the lawn of the White House; while he went and stayed in a hotel with his wife. The White House was trashed inside and out, and Jackson was nowhere in sight.

Jackson was the only President to leave office with the country in the black and the entire national debt paid off, by strong arming other countries into paying back every cent they had ever borrowed from the US.

Like I said, squirt a dollop of white frosty Cool Whip on Keith Richards’ head, and you don’t even have to squint to know what you’ve got. Old Hickory himself.


Photo Credit 1 | Photo Credit 2

About Alexandra

Alexandra is a writer who has found the secret to getting rich as a blogger that she'll share with you for just $9.99. When not taking her checks to the bank, Alexandra blogs at Good Day Regular People about life as an overanalyzing mother of three boys trying to go unnoticed in her small town. The most important things you need to know about her are that the internet saves her daily and that she believes the most you can ask for in life is to arrive at the end of it all with your hair messed up, out of breath, and not throwing up. Alexandra is a contributing writer for TikiTikiblog and FunnynotSlutty.


  1. Lovelyn says:

    I’d heard about the story of his attempted assassination before, but other than that I knew nothing about Andrew Jackson. Sounds like an intriguing fellow.

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  2. Linda Roy says:

    My household is full of history geeks too. My husband and I were Civil War re-enactors for awhile. Andrew Jackson was a pistol, wasn’t he? My son Max’s middle name was actually inspired by A.J. and holy doppleganger – Keith’s a dead ringer!

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  3. “Go to your beast, sir”? I have a new hero.

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  4. Lance says:

    Andy Jackson never had to deal with Mick Jagger’s ego or Toronto customs while he was carrying heroin.

    They do look like each other. Uncanny

  5. brian miller says:

    ha…he needs to hook up with spielberg…after lincoln he could do jackson…it is an interesting resemblence…smiles.

  6. Of course, all that has to be tempered by the fact that he was a serious racist!

  7. Love the history lesson. I really need a refresher course on US history. I seemed to have studied just about everywhere else but here. Thanks for the visual and the good read.

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  8. Fabian says:

    Interesting article.I painted him in 1995 when the Stones were on their Voodoo lounge tour in 1995 in front of the Olympic Stadium in Berlin.


  1. hair extension tape…

    If Keith Richards Were President…

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