“Just do it yourself. How hard can it be? Save some money.”
This was my husband’s advice when I suggested the dog’s anal glands needed to be expressed.
Was he seriously suggesting the DIY method of canine anal gland expression 101? How much could this cost, anyway? Just a little push and a squeeze. Couldn’t be much, right? But after being vetoed, I started to consider taking matters into my own hands.
I joked on Facebook that my husband was so cheap (“How cheap was he?” … “He was so cheap, he told me to express the dog’s anal glands to save a few bucks!”). Crickets. In fact, people were telling me to slap on a pair of rubber gloves and get on with it already. Comments like, “I did Scooby’s anal glands. It was easy!” and “It’s no big deal, just takes a minute.” Yeah, a minute that will live in infamy, causing no shortage of agonizing trauma. “Ruh-roh!”
See, here’s the thing: I’m not much of a do it yourselfer. I’m not about to put on garden clogs and a pair of color coordinated rubber gloves and go all Martha Stewart on…my dog’s ass.
I consulted YouTube. Turns out, no matter what strange thing you’ve got planned, there’s a tutorial for that. I found a Minnesotan woman’s series of grooming videos featuring her fluffy maltese named what else? Fluffy. I don’t know if it was the thick Midwestern accent, the subject matter, or her straight forward, no nonsense approach, but I found it to be informational, yet so amusing.
“Ookee. Now get yer rubber gloves on…”
Again with the rubber gloves.
“Nootice thayut Fluffy’s sphincter is pushing out…resembling a turd. You don’t want thayut. Sure sign of blockage and thayut means his glayunds need expressed.”
I looked on in near disbelief as she pushed and squeezed and extracted a goo not unlike toothpaste. She was pretty dern sure of herself too, because all of this took place atop the kitchen rug, which looked expensive.
“Fluffy’s used to this by now, so we don’t even bother moving the rug.” Cocky bitch.
My dog was not so “been there, done that” however. Clearly this was a two person operation. Except my wingman wasn’t up to the task of being anywhere in the vicinity of such graphic, shall we say, upkeep.
Well, shit. If he won’t so much as hold the dog, I’m not doing this either. I finally made the call. Low and behold, you, too can have your dog’s anal glands expressed for the low low price of $15.
Tutorial number two came at the vet’s office.
“See? It comes out like toothpaste.” The vet says, waving his forefinger in my face to demonstrate the dried up curly mass that will most surely put me off anything involving chocolate frosted icing and Crest.
Look, I’m all for self expression, but in this form…I choose to leave it to the pros.