An Arresting Groundhog Day

“Mrs. Beckerman?”

“Yes.”

“Mrs. Beckerman, I’m with the Groundhog Police.”

“Oh. How can I help you officer?”

“Mrs. Beckerman, we had a report of a Code-G in your backyard.”

“A Code-G?”

“Yes. Yelling at a Groundhog.”

“Really?”

“Mrs. Beckerman, your neighbors say that you were threatening a groundhog with harm if he sees his shadow.”

“Well, it has been an excessively long winter, Officer. It started in October with that freak snowstorm, remember?”

“Nonetheless Mrs. Beckerman, did you know that it is a violation of borough wildlife laws to verbally abuse a groundhog.”

“Well I wasn’t actually yelling AT the groundhog.”

“No?”

“I was yelling at the hole he was in. He won’t actually come out until Groundhog Day, you know.”

“So I’ve heard. Ma’am, you do realize that there will be six more weeks of winter whether the groundhog sees his shadow or not.”

“I thought if he didn’t see his shadow, it means we will have an early spring.”

“Folklore, Ma’am.”

“No kidding?”

“The groundhog is just a rodent, Ma’am. He doesn’t have any kind of prophetic powers or influence over the change of seasons.”

“Wow, really? What about the Easter bunny?”

“Made up.”

“Tooth Fairy?”

“No such thing.”

“LEPRECHAUNS???”

“’Fraid not.”

“Next thing you’re going to tell me is there’s no Santa Claus.”

“There’s no Santa Claus.”

“Wow, I am just shocked and dismayed.”

“Mrs. Beckerman, I think you are trying to distract me from the issue at hand.”

“Hey Officer, look! Isn’t that Sasquatch?”

“Nice try, Ma’am.”

“All right, I won’t yell at the groundhogs anymore.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I harass the woodchucks?”

 

About the Author

*Note: Tracy Beckerman’s new book, “Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” is now available for PRE-ORDER! To reserve your copy, got to Amazon or any online bookseller.

 

 

Gilles Gonthier via photopin cc

About Comic Relief Roster

When a member of Aiming Low has to take a break you know it's a big deal. It could be an environmental catastrophe. A intergalactic supernova. The vodka bottle could be EMPTY!!! We have a great team of writers that hop in place when we are locked in Tahitian prisons we are out with the Chlamydia we are out.. We call these HEROES the "Comic Relief Roster".

Comments

  1. Anne says:

    Take back that dirty lie about Leprechauns.

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  2. ChrisBird says:

    They sure wouldn’t take kindly to my Nana braining one with a shovel when she caught it in her garden.

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  3. It must be hard on the ego for a groundhog. You’re very unattractive, nobody will call you “woodchuck” which is more dignified, your purpose is unclear, and every year people are upset with you for absolutely nothing you caused. If I see one today, I’m going to compliment it.

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