Why Am I So Hairy?

I happen to be a very hairy woman. I could explain to you that I am African American/Belgian/Spanish/Samoan descent and so I will forever be resigned to “Wookie” status, but I won’t bore you with the genetic details. I could rail on about how the social pressures of “hair free” women and how society’s fixation on smooth women is about historical misogyny or homophobia. I could even pontificate on the evolutionary purpose of hair and how we should all be more comfortable with it, but I won’t. I won’t do it, because you are too smart for that.

Also, regardless of all the facts and figures, I still found myself seven months pregnant, hormonal, and staring down at my swollen belly. I thought to myself, “Why am I so hairy?” I teared up a bit. It wasn’t rational, it wasn’t even well planned. But what I did next was desperate and sad. I feverishly plowed through the half used products stored underneath my bathroom sink. I was already sweaty and breathing heavy. I was focused. The baby inside me wriggled around and I felt the stress of my huge belly hanging down as I looked for the hot wax kit on my hands and knees.

You know what happened next.

I heated the wax and smeared the green warm goo onto my monstrous abdomen. I laid the paper strip on the line of goo, rubbed a few times, and without a care in the world I ripped the strip off my belly.  ”YoooooooooooowwOUCH!” I howled loud enough that my husband ran into the bathroom. He found me standing topless in my underwear. Tears and stretch marks and hairy wax stripe: the evidence of my momentary lapse in judgement. “Um, Jazz?” he stared at me puzzled. ” I launched into my flustered and heartfelt explanation. “I am SO hairy and I didn’t want to go to the ultrasound again and have Dr. Crownover squirt that gel on my hairy belly! The little doppler makes swirls in the hair because am so hairy! Now I have this stripe that I waxed, but I can’t finish because it is painful! And. *GASP* WHY AM I SO HAIRY!”

I didn’t wax the rest of my belly. It hurt too much. Two days later I went to my ultrasound with a singular smooth landing strip. I went through the usual motions. Dr. Crownover greeted me. I laid back and pulled up my shirt. He looked at my belly, paused for a moment, and smirked, “I see you’ve been doing some waxing.” I stared at the far corner of the room and replied, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

About the Writer
Jasmine has been writing since before kindergarten, though her grammar and spelling haven’t improved. She’s also had a sassy mouth since before kindergarten, if you ask her mother. She writes all sorts of self absorbed stories over at JustJasmineBlog.com where she’ll expect you to worship her and leave a comment. She’ll pay you in hugs and inappropriate jokes.

 

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Comments

  1. Connie Brown says:

    Poor Jazz’s belly
    You know we love the Wookie in you because after all I do shave my chinny chin chin, so maybe it runs in the family. You made me laugh and I really needed that today..
    Love you girlie
    Guppy a.k.a Mom

  2. Caitlin says:

    While I can’t relate to being hairy I did quite enjoy your story about your experience. I literally burst out laughing when you said “I don’t know what you’re talking about” I can just see your feigned sideways glance. Write more; you’re funny!!!

  3. Holly says:

    This had me laughing so hard that I had tears rolling down my face. I love how you always say that which would embarrass the rest of us.

  4. Tosh says:

    OMG, this made me laugh out loud…seriously! But you’re not alone b/c I also move hair from undesirable places– haha ;-)

  5. Kailynn says:

    Gawd I love you. I also am very hairy, and have VERY sensitive skin. I once decided the most logical solution to the razor bumps I always get “down there” was to wax it all off. Instead of just putting a bit of wax on to test, I covered the whole damn region. I was in so much incredible pain, and I ended up spending the rest of the day freezing the wax with icepacks and chipping it all off. I basically had a wax cup on all day.

  6. Maggie S. says:

    OW! We do some things we look back on and can’t explain.

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  7. Brandi says:

    Oh, Jazz!!!!! Why???? LOL! I understand, though. I did some crazy things while I was pregnant. Not quite THIS…interesting…but crazy, nonetheless!

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  8. Cindy Brown says:

    Awwww, what a sweet and funny sad hairy story ;0) Thanks for hairing. I mean, sharing, LOL!

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  9. Lori Vann says:

    So…I had a similar situation. I was pregnant with my 3rd child, and I don’t like to have
    “hair down there”. So well…I shaved carefully using a mirror and lots of shaving cream. Felt I did a good job, and happily went to my appointment the next day. It was the first time I was being “checked” about 2 weeks before I was going to deliver. I lay down, throw my feet up in the stirrups (and by throw I mean sling it up there using the downward momentum of my huge tummy). He carefully does his exam and then with a grin notes “I see you did some shaving, you missed a spot or two. You ladies really need to be careful shaving something you cannot really see”. I nearly peed on the table laughing. My delivery was also easy because I laughed the whole time because he was such a jokester.

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  10. Eryn says:

    Oh yes, the crying “PLEASE SHAVE MEEEEE!” wail of the 8.5-month-pregnant woman. Husbands know it well & will do well to NEVER BRING IT UP after the baby is born.

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  11. This is one of the craziest things I have ever heard and one of the funniest. Thanks for giving me a good laugh at just the moment when I needed one.

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  12. MELISASource says:

    Wow I know how you feel–this is something that I struggle with myself. :-/

  13. Amiyrah says:

    This was hilarious. I had the same issue when pregnant, and all the time really. My Dad with a back and chest as hairy as a gorilla, has passed on his insane hair growth to me. We’ll have to compare side burns the next time we hang out.

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  14. Jasmine says:

    Side burn sistas!

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  15. Facial hair and grey hair (everywhere) are driving me crazy.
    I feel your pain!

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  16. Jasmine says:

    I can’t say I recommend self waxing ;)

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