To: God, Re: Anne Hathaway

To: God.Almighty@heaven.com

CC: Buddha@nliten.com, Shiva@rencarn8.com

BCC: Mephistopheles@newscorp.com,  Mel.Gibson@hell.com

Subject:  Oversight in creation – please make me Anne Hathaway

Hi, God,

I know you are fairly booked up, but I wanted to see if we could find some time on our schedules to discuss a rather large oversight on your part.

I don’t want to point fingers or anything. I know we are all a team (some more functional members than others), but why did you see it fit to give all the good DNA to Anne Hathaway? After seeing The Dark Knight (by the way, THANK YOU for Joseph Gordon-Levitt), I could not help but notice the imbalance.

I hope you are not one to play favorites, but I wanted to just point out some areas for improvement. I have added a graphic for your reference:

Anne Hathaway has legs up to her earlobes. I’m not even sure it’s possible to have legs that long, but why not throw a few inches my way? Seems like she has more than is technically needed by a human.

Additionally, she does not appear to have a flaw on her skin…anywhere…at all. Perhaps you created her as a reference to the word “milky.” I do understand that it’s helpful to be able to point to specifics with adjectives, but why reserve “ruddy” or “blotchy” for me?

Does she really need such big eyes and lips? Seems like these things could have been more evenly distributed amongst your flock.

I was going to add in her fabulous silky hair, but I realized after she shaved her head for Les Miserable, it wasn’t even all that necessary. Though, one more thing she did get more than her fair share of.

If this seems like an unreasonable request, I am open to spit-balling a few other ideas. I’d be open to, say, a Kate Beckinsale or Penelope Cruz approach. Heck, if you were open to Tina Fey, I think we could make that happen.

Feel free to forward this to any other deities who have signing power I may have missed .

Oh, and thanks again for the “dying for our sins” project. Sorry that isn’t going as well as you had hoped, but I really appreciate the effort.

Best regards,

Irene Barnett
General Manager, Sarcasm and Self-Deprecation (SSD) Division

About the Writer
Irene Barnett is a working co-parent of twin boys and a rescue dog. She currently makes the rent by assuming the identity of a high-powered executive for a software consulting firm that is based out of Seattle while she actually tries to live the life of a writer in Santa Barbara, CA (http://leftofplumb.com). Irene loves paddleboarding, movies, sitting and staring, and shiny things. She hates chickens but has a soft spot for hobos.

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Comments

  1. Arbine says:

    Oh man. Love this.
    And Anne Hathaway is on my list of famous people who I want to be BFFs with. :)
    #TeamJGL

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  2. Linda says:

    This is hilarious! I loves me some irreverence! “…the dying for our sins project…” That’s priceless!

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  3. Tara says:

    It seems like talented people should be ugly and attractive people should be talent-less. She was clearly given an unfair ratio of each both beauty and skill. Damn you, you beautiful genius!

  4. Lovelyn says:

    “BCC: Mephistopheles@newscorp.com, Mel.Gibson@hell.com” Love this. Playing both sides of the fence. You’ll get what you’re asking for one way or another.

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  5. Alexandra says:

    Oh my gosh, WHO ARE YOU??

    LOVE this and why do I love guest writers on Aiming Low? Because I meet the coolest writers that way.

    This was genius. Original, funny, so wonderfully special.

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  6. Wendy @ mama one to three says:

    Such a good laugh!!

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  7. Maggie S. says:

    When I was living at home, my mom always told me it was about the money they could afford to spend on appearance. Anne probably has a full beard.

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  8. Irene, my love, this is GENIUS. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to say but couldn’t find the words.

  9. Ridx says:

    Anne Hathaway <3

  10. beerman says:

    Stumbled upon your article completely surfing. I do agree, your writing is very entertaining. But, have to disagree with the assessment of ms hathaway. She is not nearly as hot as the media tells us she is , and becomes less attractive each time she opens her mouth. Stop selling yourself short, millions of us guys would chose a lady like yourself (nice pic) before that pompice narcissist.

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