Rhymes For Teenage Survival

You will learn a certain rhyme by the time you get to college (or maybe even by the time you start high school, if you grow up fast enough). The rhyme goes like so:

Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

It goes without saying that you should teetotal until you turn twenty-one (ahem I have to type that, stay safe, kids), but this is a genius rhyme, and you will need to reference it probably more often than your times tables as you stagger your uncertain way towards adulthood.

It makes me wish there were rhymes for other obstacles along the way. Like, say, unrequited crushes:

If he owns tap shoes and wears flavored lip balm
There’s prob’ly a reason he never asked you to prom

Or acne:

Fear not your picture day forehead cyst crop
You live in a world that employs Photoshop!

Or SATs:

Math before critical reading, sweat starts beading
Critical reading before math, terrible gas

Or body issues:

No two perfect bodies are ever the same
But they all come from eating, and carry no shame.

Yeah, I know, I got sappy. But it’s true, deal with it. Or, as I like to say:

Rhymes for self-help are cheap, fast, and fun
Now for real, stay inside until you’re twenty-one
And with that, my Dr. Seussian lesson is done!

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.


  1. Ridx says:

    Hahaha This is awesome. :D

    Keep writing. <3

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