The Poop Detective

Unemployment isn’t all eating chocolate and watching Ellen in my pj’s while I wait for a job offer. It’s actually pretty damn depressing, especially dragging on as long as it has. After awhile you begin to wonder if all of your past experience is worth anything anymore. After pondering how I could really put my particular skill set to work, I came up with this comprehensive list of jobs that I think I could actually do. Behold!

1) Poop Detective

I worked in childcare forever, plus had two children of my own. I know my poop. I could be like Bones. They could call me in to the scene of the crime and have me tell them about the feces. I’d be able to tell them how old it was, how long it had been there, the size and approximate age of the perpetrator. “This came from a two-and-a-half-year-old male approximately two feet tall, still in diapers.” A few years ago I probably could have done this by smell alone, from a mile away. Hire me now before this superpower fades away!

2) Wandering Minstrel

I don’t play lute. Or guitar. But I’ve played flute semi-professionally, as in I was paid a few coins to show up for municipal band, so I could stroll around and play my flute. I pitched this idea to my husband-I think they need one of these where he works. And the kids could be interpretive dancers.

3) Cat Herder

A very wise teacher I knew used to say that getting a group of preschoolers to go anywhere is like herding cats. Surely there are herds of cats roaming the earth that need herders. For this, I am qualified.


4) Paint Color Name Chooser

I’m sure there’s a better word for this, but SOMEONE has to choose the names of all of those paint colors out there. I think I’d be very good at it. Of course as soon as I named one Baby Poop Brown I’d probably be out of a job …


5) Professional Disorganizer

Not only could I undo your organizational methods, I could do it in record time (even faster if I get my kids involved).

And there you have it. Anyone in need of these services, give me a call!


About the Author
Sarah is The Sadder But Wiser Girl. She is a mom of two children and is married to an evil genius. Suffering from ADD, anxiety, and a phobia of washing dishes by hand, she blogs to save the world from boringness. Though she is college educated, she would gladly trade her degree in for something useful, like a cheese sandwich.

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  1. The pictures are great! ;-) You guys rock!

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  2. Maggie S. says:

    I just finished cleaning up a cat poop mess. I need to know how it got there and how many members of my family ignored it and went about their business. I pay scale for poop detectives.

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  3. Loved: “This came from a two-and-a-half-year-old male approximately two feet tall, still in diapers.” I don’t know whose hiring but you’d be great at that job.

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  4. Linda Roy says:

    omg, so it isn’t just me?! This truly is a relief to me, because my husband gives me the loco looks when I tell him I can decipher human poop from dog poop, and big dog poop from little dog poop. We just had this discussion yesterday. IMHO, big dog poop is like horse poop. There is too a difference. I think baby poop brown would be lovely with a nice Linda Blair vomit green, don’t you?

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