A Hint of Awful

I am an unfailingly creative, dedicated cook, so every week I try to make a meal out of tortilla chips and fat. Recently I used a new brand of chips. Their particular flavor was mendaciously named “Hint of Lime.”

Have you ever obsessively eaten something, because you are so appalled by the flavor you can’t believe it’s as bad as your taste buds are swearing? A hint of lime? Oh no, no! These chips were plunged against their will into a boiling vat of lime oil. Doused in lime juice at the tortilla chip prom in front of all their corn chip classmates. Persecuted by hints of lime for days, maybe weeks.

I vowed not to use them for our nacho meal, but some snuck in with the regular chips, and so help me, I don’t know how it happened. All I do know is my husband was asking in horror, “Did you use the lime chips for our nachos?”

I wrung my hands and cried, “What? No! I don’t think….”

Maybe the atrocious flavoring was like the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands, and I had ruined our meal with my contaminated fingers. But the flavor was there. The smell was there.

After a few minutes of tense eating, I said, “It’s so bad that you’re just grateful when you put a nacho in your mouth, and there’s no hint of lime.”

“I know, right?” said my Man, swigging beer. “I just had a plain one, and I was so relieved.”

Honestly, how we were able to survive that meal, I really don’t know. As I was clearing the dishes, I said, “I’m going to have to toss the bag. I can’t eat those. Nobody should eat those. In fact, they’re so bad they could be used as a CIA torture device.”

Inspired by this appropriate imagery, I began to describe a dark room, a single bright lamp trained on the face of a man with his hands tied behind his back. On the rough table before him, a bag of Hint of Lime chips is slammed down by men from the shadows. Then the threats start.

At this point in my plot-weaving, my husband broke in with abundant gagging noises, playing the part of the prisoner. Then he switched roles abruptly, pointing a menacing finger and declaring, “And that was just one chip! Next time it’s going to be TWO!”

I fell over the dining room table in a fit of hysterics. My man thought I was suffering delirium caused by exposure to unnatural flavoring. It may very well be true. Effects of lime poisoning have never properly been tested.

About the Writer
Hillary is a mother and writer seeking balance, something she finds only in a good beer. She threatens to sell her kids to the zoo at least three times a day, goes the extra mile by talking to trees after embracing them, and really wants to run away with the circus. In 9th grade she was voted most likely to succeed, but so far she only excels at being weird. Find Hillary at her personal blog No Pens, Pencils, Knives or Scissors! or stalk her (pleease) on Facebook.

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Comments

  1. Jaime says:

    “Have you ever obsessively eaten something, because you are so appalled by the flavor you can’t believe it’s as bad as your taste buds are swearing?”

    Popcorn. All popcorn. Every time. It’s like… I hate popcorn, but if someone puts it in front of me I CAN NOT STOP EATING IT.

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  2. Kristin says:

    I’m so glad to know I’m not the only one totally horrified by those damned chips.

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    • Hillary says:

      Should we start an aversion club? Maybe hold demonstrations in front of corn chip manufacturing plants? But let me take this chance to assure you – you are definitely not alone.

  3. MamaKaren says:

    I tried them once, naively thinking that the lime would be a mild and pleasant addition (like the tiny squeeze of lime juice I put in my guacamole). I was so, so wrong. Neither mild nor pleasant was that lime flavor. I was having PTSD-like flashbacks while reading this post. I had to go eat some chocolate to get the phantom psuedo-lime taste out of my mouth. Copious amounts of chocolate.

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    • Hillary says:

      I find that chocolate cures anything, though I wouldn’t suggest coating lime chips in chocolate to make that nasty medicine go down. I’m sorry I brought back the memories, but at least we can band together in our distaste and disdain for that unnatural flavoring.

  4. Holly says:

    That’s awesome! I used to love those things when I was in college, haha! My taste buds were probably warped from living off bags of ramen.

    • Hillary says:

      I still crave ramen, but I checked the sodium – it’ll put the fear in you, trust me. And, Holly, because I care about you:

      Stay away from those lime chips!

  5. What?!! I love those chips. LOVE THEM. I can’t buy them because I’ll practically eat the whole bag.

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