Christmas Counseling with the Kringles

Host: “Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Our guests today come to us all the way from the North Pole. Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. Claus.” [Light applause.] “Now, the Claus’s may seem like a special couple, but underneath those matching red suits, he’s a working guy and she’s a stay-at-home wife just like many of you. And just like any married couple, things can get a little rocky under the mistletoe from time to time, if you know what I mean. Mr. Claus, can I call you Santa?”

Santa: “Sure, Phil.”

Host: “Santa, what seems to be the problem with you and the Mrs.?”

Santa: “Well Phil, I know I can be a tough guy to be married to, what with my crazy work schedule Christmas Eve and all the toys strewn around the house. But I think I’ve done a good job keeping the reindeer out of the kitchen and making sure the elves put the toilet seat down when they use the bathroom.”

Host: “What do you think, Mrs. Claus?”

Mrs. Claus: “It’s not just Christmas Eve, Phil. In the last month he must have been to every mall in the country. We never saw him. And let me tell you something, those are not just little children sitting on his lap either. I’ve seen more that a few moms whispering in Santa’s ear what they want for Christmas!”

Santa: “I keep telling you, that’s not me. Those are impostors.”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh and I suppose the guy who comes down everyone’s chimney is an impostor too?”

Santa: “No, that’s me.”

Mrs. Claus: “Well, if you can miraculously fit down a chimney with that big belly of yours, why couldn’t you manage to get home in time for breakfast Christmas morning?”

Santa: “I got lost on the way back.”

Mrs. Claus: “We just got you that new GPS navigation system for the reindeer last year. Even if you did get lost, where would you end up? The North Pole.”

Host: “I think I get the picture. Mrs. Claus, it seems like you’re feeling a little neglected around the holidays, is that right?”

Mrs. Claus: “Maybe a little.”

Host: “And Santa, are you feeling the pull between work pressure and family?”

Santa: “I suppose.”

Host: “Mrs. Claus, if you could have anything you wanted for Christmas, what would it be?”

Mrs. Claus: “Hmmm. Just once, I’d like to be the one to go out in the sled Christmas Eve, stay out all night, and get to eat the cookies. I’ll just put on a red suit and a fake beard. No one will know the difference. And you can stay home and wash all those elf clothes.”

Santa: “You know, it’s not so easy being me. The day after Christmas is a real bummer. Two thirds of the toys come back. This one got an X-box and he wanted a Wii. That one got a Barbie and she wanted a Bratz. It’s a nightmare!”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh boo-hoo.”

Santa: “You better not pout. You better not cry!”

Mrs. Claus: “Oh please. Like I haven’t heard that song and dance before.”

Host: “Mr. and Mrs. Claus, where’s the love? Where’s the joy? Where’s the Ho Ho Ho in your Happy Ho Ho Home? You two need to take time to stop and smell the egg nog. Let the kids be nice; you two need to get a little naughty, if you catch my snowdrift! Hey Santa, Mrs. Claus is waiting for you to hurry down the chimney tonight!”

Santa: “You know what, Phil? You’re right! Honey, how about if we take off for a few days and head down to the South Pole?”

Mrs. Claus: “But who’s going to watch the elves?”

Santa: “Let me call Jack Frost and see if he’s around. Oh, and Phil, sorry about that coal last year.”

Host: “No problem. OK, let’s take a break. When we come back, Santa’s elves: little helpers or sweatshop slaves? You decide!”

About the Writer

Tracy Beckerman writes the humor column and blog, LOST IN SUBURBIA®, which is syndicated to over 400 newspapers in 25 states and on 250 related websites. She is the author of the book “Rebel without a Minivan”, which is a compilation of her earlier columns when her kids were still young and cute and had no idea she was writing about them. Her next book,  ”Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir” will be published by Perigee books, in early 2013 and is now available for pre-order on Amazon. Tracy has appeared on The Today Show and The CBS Early Show, among others, and does stand-up comedy about how to be a cool mom in the suburbs. Yes, she knows that is an oxymoron.

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About Comic Relief Roster

When a member of Aiming Low has to take a break you know it's a big deal. It could be an environmental catastrophe. A intergalactic supernova. The vodka bottle could be EMPTY!!! We have a great team of writers that hop in place when we are locked in Tahitian prisons we are out with the Chlamydia we are out.. We call these HEROES the "Comic Relief Roster".

Comments

  1. Estelle says:

    Tracy,

    Love this. So perfect for the season; and so…perfectly inappropriate. Everyone can relate to the workaholic with a little too much eggnog on his breath, and the unmistletoed Mrs.

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  2. Amiyrah says:

    As usual, you made me snort laugh. I needed this today. Oh Santa…you’re so full of secrets.

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    • Maggie says:

      great sketches! LOVE the last one but they are all relaly great.must be something in the air .my sister and i just rescued a tiny kitten from a snowstorm on Sunday. (it was stuck to the ice and we literally found him just in time) He is so cute and sure knows how to make a new home his! :) teri

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