6 Things I Want For Christmas, but Won’t Get

I’ve been working on my Christmas list for weeks. There are two versions. The one I sent to my parents was full of books that they can easily order from my favorite indie bookstore. I’m treating you to the secret one here today—the list of things I really want:

1. World peace

Yes, I am a pie in the sky idealist. I’m kind of proud of it, actually. But my super-secret reason for wanting all war to end is my TV addiction. If we can get rid of the news, ABC can run three-hour episodes of the Bachelorette EVERY NIGHT and I will be the happiest girl ever. Can’t we all just get along?

2. Revenge

Hey we can’t all be nice all the time. Even idealists have frenemies. I won’t name names, but you know you’re with me on this one.

3. Viral video transcripts
Honey Badger is super-funny, right? At least that’s what I hear. See, my boss can see my screen so I’d have to watch it in 15 second increments. If someone invests in some video transcription for me, I can pretend I am editing a document. See how productive I’m being?

4. Someone to write my Christmas cards

I LOVE sending Christmas cards. Or rather, I love having sent them. After hand-crafting, hand-addressing, and hand-writing 100 individualized cards (in three languages) just call me Mrs. Grinch.

5. To never ever hear again, “Have you read 50 Shades of Grey?”

As a writer, I spent a lot of time in school learning about things like craft and plot. I’m delighted people are using books to find excitement in their bedrooms. But I wish they were finding it with something slightly more … enlightened. If you don’t know what I mean, check out this fantastic review in gifs  for a taste of what author E.L. James has to offer.

6. Aidan Turner

My husband may be more enlightened than E.L. James, but I still doubt he’ll be leaving this Irish star of the UK version of Being Human under my tree. I may have to settle for watching him play Kili in The Hobbit. IMAX 3D anyone?

For more First World problems, check out a great post by Julia Roberts.

About the Author

Isla McKetta, MFA is a freelance writer and novelist. Her house smells like Christmas spirit. You can find her at her blog, A Geography of Reading.



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