Sweatpants: A Love Story

My husband and I share a pair of sweatpants. On me they are big and roomy; on him they are tight as 70s gym clothes. For me they are sleeping sweatpants and eating sweatpants, and every fourth Monday or so they are my half-assed yoga DVD-doing sweatpants. For him, they are his playing-my-nerdy-war-game-on-the-internet sweatpants and also his I-don’t-feel-like-putting-on-underwear sweatpants. Sometimes they are my I-don’t-feel-like-putting-on-underwear sweatpants, too. We both go commando in these sweatpants, often without washing in between. And yes, since you asked, the magic is gone.

I don’t think there is a more perfect item of clothing than sweatpants. They are stretchy and comfy and perfect for all occasions. Or at least, they will be once the genius who popularized formal shorts finds a way to blow up formal sweats (come on, asshole, you owe us).

My very first pair of sweatpants made me so happy that I wore them for 1st grade picture day:

Try not to be jealous.

My next pair of sweatpants were my so-called “warm-up” sweats for high school track, but long after I quit track I kept my sweatpants. They came with me to college. They absorbed the smoke from my first joint and did not judge me when I gained ten pounds in my first semester (probably a direct result of the pot-smoking, and the entire blocks of cheddar cheese I would consume while stoned). They became my study sweatpants and then, senior year, my mourning sweatpants when I first got my heart broken for real.

The summer after college I changed things up and cropped them, because nothing is sexier than saggy capri sweats. I wore them to the corner bodega, and as I stood at the register clutching my toilet paper and Cheez Doodles, I noticed that not even the old men sitting outside on milk crates with their 10 am beers were looking at me. They became my invisibility sweatpants. My freedom sweatpants, if you will (like freedom fries, only more covered in ketchup).

I don’t have any photos of these magical sweatpants, because they were too awesome. Their beauty could not be captured on film. When a hole began to form in the crotch circa 2007 I thought Yesssss, now I don’t even have to take them off to pee! What I didn’t realize is that it also meant I couldn’t wear them to greet the Thai delivery man anymore–that is, without showing him my Pad See Ew. Eventually, and with great sadness, I got rid of them. Which brings me to my new marriage sweatpants.

Jeff bought them a few years ago, for himself, foolishly thinking that I would not fall in love with them. They’re not much to look at–gray, bulky, nondescript but for an Old Navy logo on the left hip and some bleach stains from what was definitely NOT my topical acne medication, ahem–but they are lined with cozy, fleece-like cotton and when I put them on they sink down to the floor, pooling around my feet so that it looks like I’m melting a la the Wicked Witch of the West. The baggy hips conceal even the most egregious PMS bloat, and I could probably walk out of a grocery store with an entire ham hidden in the soft, elephant-like folds of the ass. They are perfect, and I’ve grown not to mind the joint custody arrangement.

After all, it’s pretty fucking sweet that after almost ten years together, we still want to get in each other’s pants.

Note: A version of this post first appeared on The Sassy Curmudgeon.

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Vikki says:

    So many laughs! But I really want you to have your own pair, especially because of that commando part. Friends don’t let friends share sweatpants with their husbands who don’t wear underwear.

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  2. mommylisa says:

    That’s hot. I like to get in my hubby’s golf windshirt and this uber comfy sweatshirt he has. Not as hot.

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  3. Alexandra says:

    When my husband found out I was wearing his sweatpants commando? All he said was this: “please don’t wear my sweatpants again.”

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  4. Chris says:

    I’m unsure how I stumbled upon this. but I read it and now have a vagina much like the husband in question. Nothing good can come from the wearing sweat pants it’s a sign you’ve given up. It’s quite an atrocity people go out in public wearing these. The only thing worse than sweat pants is a pair of crocs.

  5. Amy says:

    My husband shares his t shirts, athletic socks, and sweatshirts so generously, I thought nothing of using his beard trimmer. That, apparently, was a bridge too far.

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] Turtle Cheesecake for yourself, A-A-B-B it. Avoid it? Nice idea if you want to finally toss out the holey sweatpants. Acceptable? Yeah, sure, the cheesecake is acceptable if the size of your ass is acceptable to you. [...]

  2. In Da Hoodie says:

    [...] Get up in the morning and put on “Pajama Hoodie” and “Morning Sweatpants” and then have coffee on the couch before getting the kids up and ready for [...]

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