November, I have decided, will be the month that I give thanks. Usually we reserve the week of Thanksgiving to, you know, give thanks, but this year I think I’ll take the entire month to show my gratitude to all the people who truly made 2012… a huge shit stain on the timeline of epic suckage.
Sure, if I polished the turd that was this year, I’m sure I could find
a diamond another turd. Giving thanks is important. It keeps us grounded and puts our lives into perspective. If I could draw, perspective would be hiding the flaming pile of shit way up in the corner much like Disney said they didn’t put a huge penis in King Triton’s castle on The Little Mermaid VHS cover.
But let’s put the hidden penises behind us and get back to gratitude.
It’s a good thing I already hate myself because if I didn’t have that covered, I would be a mess. Which, note to self, I’m pretty sure I was a mess before this year, but who’s counting?
Duh, I’m counting which is exactly why I hate myself. I state the obvious like it’s fresh news and my college writing professor told me I should only write about “fresh news” even though, at the time, I was all: who uses “fresh” to describe anything unless we’re talking about produce. And considering I’m fat, no one ever assumes I eat produce. Which, if you are keeping score, means me being a mess is not fresh, but stale and I should not be writing about it.
That guy was such a limp dick.
I would also like to genuinely give thanks to my pig of a former landlord who was neither fresh or a pig, but was, in fact, a terrible person. Last week she sent me a bill for two grand like I owed her anything except a flaming pile of perspective.
Next up are all the people I used to know. Don’t let the door of missing my awesomeness hit you on the way out.
To the vague Facebook statues updaters, grow a pair and really update because I hate to be all Carly Simon up in there if it’s not about me.
My narcissism definitely deserves a shout out. Without you where would I be? Not sucking on the teet of basement living for one and pleading with the Interwebs to pour one for this homie for another.
Dear Year of No Return, I give thanks that you are just about over. Finally.