You’ve heard of horse whisperers. Dog whisperers. Baby whisperers. But do you have a vagina whisperer in your life? A vagina whisperer is one who understands the vagina, soothes the vagina, makes the vagina happy and can coax a fetus to come towards the light.
I am not suggesting that every lover you have must be a vagina whisperer, though if that has been your experience, go you. Sometimes spending some time with vagina whisperer wannabes is fun. Practice makes perfect and vagina whisperers are not born, they are made.
The first vagina whisperer that every woman needs is her OB/GYN. Who wants someone who doesn’t understand, love and speak fluent Vaginese. At the important moments, I want to know we understand one another; our first shark week, that embarrassingly awkward attempt to get birth control in college, our first college issued STD (crabs, party of two!), the pregnancies and births of our children, the inevitable tearing of the vagina as the second, increasingly large, baby is catapulted into the world, the resulting embarrassing case of stress incontinence, that first time we poop on the table, that time our vagina got the holiday spirit and especially, that one time we thought our uterus was falling out. These are times that we absolutely need a vagina whisperer with a steady hand and a good bedside manner. A nice smile and a hot ass don’t hurt either.
We’ve all heard fantastical myths of the amazing lovemaking skills of some men, though not many of us have experienced it. We’ve heard the rumor that bigger is better. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Remember that thing may end up someplace unsuspecting. Do you like getting beaten with a tiny bat by an angry midget? I think I’ll pass.
The vagina whisperer could mean a huge difference in a woman’s quality of life. The Vagina whisperer is a self-confident, charming, go-getter type person who happens to be a people pleaser and speaks fluent Vaginese and may, or may not, have an extensive porno collection. This man takes matters into his own hands, so to speak. He comes in all shapes and sizes and a set of baby blue bedroom eyes and the dexterity and determination of a whirling dervish never hurt. The Vagina whisperer is like the unicorn, mythical and magical with G-spot GPS.
If you have your very own Vagina whisperer, I recommend that you cherish him and bask in the stimulating late night conversations in Vaginese. Then, promptly chain his ass up in the basement. I like to think of it as the vagina whisperer witness protection program because, really, how would he survive in the world if word got out of his transcendental cunning? Imagine the danger he’d be in if all the crazed orgasm seeking women of the world were to catch wind of his spectacular aptitude. Believe me, you’re doing him a favor by keeping him safe.
Do you believe in the vagina whisperer?