Teething: Evolutionary Fail

Perhaps I should start by drafting an open letter to my son’s first-year molars.

Dear First-Year Molars,

You are on my shit list.

I am compiling an itemized list of reimbursements I hold you personally responsible for, including but not limited to:

  • 1 tube Baby Orajel ($4.00)
  • 2 bottles red wine ($13.00; they were having a sale)
  • Under-eye concealer ($8.00)
  • Sapping of will to live (Lets just say $40 and call it even)

But seriously, dudes. Teething. WHAT?!

Who came up with the idea to have human beings get two separate sets of teeth? That is some shark nonsense. And why should it hurt to get teeth? Here’s what I learned in my hippie childbirth class: giving birth is basically the only time your body hurts like hell for a good reason and not an oh-shit-you’re-probably-going-to-die-quick-check-WebMD reason. Which makes sense, because, you know, you should probably stop tilling the fields or whatever and pay attention to the human being coming out of your body. But then there’s teething, which also hurts but which is really not as important as bringing new life into the world.

Especially since babies basically don’t even need teeth. They eat pureed fruits and floor dust. That stuff can be gummed. Plus, teeth make it that much more likely that you will have your nipples bitten, and not in a I-just-read-50-Shades-of-Grey-and-took-a-Xanax way.

If they have to teethe, why not wait until they can talk? Right? That way they can say “Mother, I have a burning pain similar to what I imagine the fires of Hades to be like emerging from my jawline. Please pass the Baby Motrin,” instead of banshee screaming for ten minutes in the supermarket checkout while every single other person in the Food Emporium silently judges you.

Fine, look. I would accept this whole teething scam if the teeth at least stayed put. But no.

After the screaming sudden mouth death that is teething, those teeth fall out. And it happens all over again. Except the second time, it costs you money, because the Tooth Fairy has to treat every Tic Tac-sized incisor like the Hope fucking Diamond.

I mean, God.

No, literally, I am talking to You, God.

Do baby arms fall off and get replaced by new arms?

Do baby ears fall off and get replaced by new ears?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

What. The. Fuck?

I know You feel me on this. Were You around when Jesus teethed? Was it righteous?

Mmmmm hmmmm, that’s what I thought.

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About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.


  1. Julie says:

    It gets worse.
    I have boys that are of the age of loosing those teeth! Double creepy!

  2. Mama Pants says:

    Yes. Currently in the shit with my 19 mo old. The canines are brutal. And all four of her are moving right now this minute. Total madness.

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