Last weekend I went camping with my family. My husband seems to commune with nature. It somehow soothes him. The kids love it. We have all sorts of gear. We plan fun meals and snacks. Everybody is happy!
Except me. I fucking hate camping.
I made a promise to myself that when I pulled my son out of Cub Scouts I would make sure that I took him camping. I wanted him to still get to the fun things that scouts do except without all of the bigotry and sanctimony. I resolved to suck it up and do two family camping trips a year. So we went camping this weekend and I remembered something.
I loathe camping and I will tell you why. In list form.
- It is in the woods.
- The woods are outside.
- Bugs are outside.
- Snakes are outside.
- Bears are outside.
- No power outlets.
- No wifi.
- No television.
- No air conditioning.
- You have to sleep on the ground.
- Mixing children and fire makes me nervous.
- I always feel like I need to wash my hands.
- Too hot.
- Too cold.
We went to one of those nice facilities where you car camp. Your car is right there and you get a picnic table and a fire ring. Another nice amenity is that they have bathrooms with flush toilets (believe you me, this is the only way I will agree to camp) which is lovely except for ALL OF THE SPIDERS IN THE BATHROOM. It wasn’t like three or four spiders. There were eight to twelve huge ass daddy long legs on each wall and all over the floor plus the big fat brown nasty ones were crawling around too. Spiders aren’t really something that bother me much, but this was nuts, my daughter just started screaming and screaming and I had to comfort her like a responsible adult instead of running screaming to my car and taking a bath in deep woods off and clorox like I wanted to.
We sat by the fire drinking illegal beer (the beer itself was legal you just weren’t supposed to have it in the park) and watching the fire with bugs and snakes all around us and my husband said “I love this. Isn’t this the best?” and as I looked around a big moth flew right into my face.
I died a little on the inside.
He said “What are you scared of?” I said “Snakes, bears, the Blair Witch, ticks, other bugs. You know, nature.”
I hate nature.
I camped three days ago and my back still hurts. I would have been the worst pioneer ever. I would have either had to take a job at the brothel or die first. There is no way I would have braved the plains or the godforsaken mountains in a covered wagon. I would have paid the kings taxes. I would have converted to Anglicanism. Whatever it took to have the privilege of sleeping indoors.
You see what I am saying? Camping blows.
Don’t tell my husband I said that.