I was driving along the other day singing Carly Rae Jepsen at the top of my lungs when the damn DJ broke in with “breaking” news. I’ll admit that I had absolutely no desire to hear what he had to say, as he had just cut me off mid “Call Me Maybe”–bastard. Then I heard the most foreign string of words that I have ever heard in my entire life… a breastfeeding man. Shut the front door? Is there anything that science can’t do these days?
WTF? My mind immediately went to some sort of freaky guy with a mammary fetish who likes to be dressed in a diaper and suckle at his partner’s teat. Ewww, I know. I don’t go in for that furry shit either. I like my sex straight with a lot of kink but leave the fur and diapers out of it, please and thank you. But I had it all wrong.
Have you ever heard of a man breastfeeding? Other than that one he/she gentleman who gave birth? Technically speaking, he had woman parts so he doesn’t really count. I am talking about a man born male, with a penis and facial hair. Have you ever heard of a dad breastfeeding? Yes, pick your jaw up off the floor and listen up.
Men can breastfeed. It’s true. Sure, their nipples are hairy and the poor baby might cough up a furball. Sure, no one really knows what the hell quality of milk is coming out of those moobs (a.k.a. man boobs). Come on, we all know a guy who may be just a little more well endowed than we are. I’m not naming names, but you know who you are. I’m assuming it tastes like beer, Buffalo wings and jerky. It probably causes colic. But in a pinch, it might be better than a binky. OK, maybe better than a hair-covered binky. Maybe not.
Sure, it would be awesome if on the 72nd hour without sleep, we could hand off our newborn to daddy, like a baby-feeding relay. But would we want to? I don’t think I’ve ever been tired enough to subject my sweet babies to Guinness and summer sausage flavored man tits. It just seems like DCFS would have to be called on me, by me.
I had a really hard time breastfeeding and I tried everything in the book to stimulate milk production but I never considered that my husband could have breastfed the babies. With a little medical intervention, electric breast pumping and a crying baby to stimulate production, even the manliest of men can nurse their young.
What do you think of Daddies breastfeeding?