I loathe the heat and pestilence that is summertime, but I do love swimming. I’m not sure if it’s wading in other people’s urine or the fact that everything tastes better at the beach, but I love to spend time in the water.
It’s been many, many years since I’ve had a great beach body. I almost worried about finding the perfect bathing suit, until I realized I knew the secret to buying the perfect suit, which I will share with you.
Don’t give a shit.
Seriously. About any of it.
I owned what was arguably the ugliest bikini in the free world when I had a great body. I wore it through high school, college, and right up until I got pregnant. It had a jungle print and a FLAP over my bajingo, like Tarzan. Or Jane, I guess. Seriously. It was ugly. But you know what? I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT. It fit. I could swim and get a bitching tan [back when you could get a bitching tan], and it covered my privates.
I’m not the lithe young thing I once was, and while part of me would love to be able to rock that ridiculous jungle print bikini once more, I’m o.k. wearing my hot pink tankini from Lands End on my no longer lithe body. My suit serves the same purpose. It fits, I can swim, and I can get a very, very light tan. It covers more of my privates than the bikini used to, but I have more privates to cover, so that just seems fair.
So don’t give a shit. Nobody is looking at you on the beach. Nobody is deciding if your bathing suit is right for your body because they are either paralyzed by their fear of how they look or they are too busy having fun.
I have fun and I don’t worry that people are looking at me because I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I’m busy eating Bugles and playing Marco Polo.
And you should be, too.
About the Writer
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed. Find me at The Suniverse.