The Secret to Buying the Perfect Bathing Suit

I loathe the heat and pestilence that is summertime, but I do love swimming. I’m not sure if it’s wading in other people’s urine or the fact that everything tastes better at the beach, but I love to spend time in the water.

It’s been many, many years since I’ve had a great beach body. I almost worried about finding the perfect bathing suit, until I realized I knew the secret to buying the perfect suit, which I will share with you.

Don’t give a shit.

Seriously. About any of it.

Not the suit, not your body, none of it.

I owned what was arguably the ugliest bikini in the free world when I had a great body. I wore it through high school, college, and right up until I got pregnant. It had a jungle print and a FLAP over my bajingo, like Tarzan. Or Jane, I guess. Seriously. It was ugly. But you know what? I DID NOT GIVE A SHIT. It fit. I could swim and get a bitching tan [back when you could get a bitching tan], and it covered my privates.

I’m not the lithe young thing I once was, and while part of me would love to be able to rock that ridiculous jungle print bikini once more, I’m o.k. wearing my hot pink tankini from Lands End on my no longer lithe body. My suit serves the same purpose. It fits, I can swim, and I can get a very, very light tan. It covers more of my privates than the bikini used to, but I have more privates to cover, so that just seems fair.

So don’t give a shit. Nobody is looking at you on the beach. Nobody is deciding if your bathing suit is right for your body because they are either paralyzed by their fear of how they look or they are too busy having fun.

I have fun and I don’t worry that people are looking at me because I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. I’m busy eating Bugles and playing Marco Polo.

And you should be, too.

About the Writer
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed.
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  1. Robin says:

    I need to get me some of that attitude. I bought a swim dress. It’ll do for now.

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  2. Jess says:

    I usually take my daughter to a local pool (when she talks fast enough). It’s big enough that I’m probably never going to see any of these people again, so, yeah–I don’t care. I burn easily and so I wear the swim shirt and shorts and I probably look a little ridiculous, but I’d rather look ridiculous than be in pain. :)

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  3. MamaKaren says:

    I’m trying to employ that attitude with everything I wear. Is it comfortable and fits the dress code of the situation (Wearing yoga pants to my board meeting wouldn’t fly, after all)? Do I like the color or pattern or fabric? If I like it and I feel comfortable, then no one else’s opinion should matter.

    I’ll let you know when I actually succeed in convincing myself of this.

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  4. Apryl's Antics says:

    Arguably the best advice ever.

  5. IzzyMom says:

    In the past few years, I’ve had to come to terms with my post two-baby, forty-something bathing suit body and like you, I finally concluded nobody else really cares how I look. However, it’s still taken 4 bathing suit mistakes to find one that doesn’t make me feel totally matronly.

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  6. Verna says:

    This piece of writing will assist the internet users for
    creating new webpage or even a weblog from start to end.

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