Alrighty, dream interpreters, riddle me this. Just a heads up, I wish I could tell you this was gonna be as easy to decipher as my last memorable dream where I got it on all hot & heavy with Tyrese, but sadly, it is not. I need you to seriously THRUST (“thrust” may just be my favorite word on the planet because 100% of time for me it has a sexual connotation, yet is socially appropriate in ANY circumstance. Boom!) yourselves into this experience fully and lay down what you think this f’ed up dream means or represents to me. I am utterly horrified and semi-freaking out right now that I may need counseling/medications/alcohol to deal with this. And I’m feeling a little bit exposed sharing this nightmare dream with all of you, just as I did while it played out. (No clue why after exposing myself earlier this year with my shart attack post!)
Last night, I dreamt that like eight or nine different people (all of whom I know well — hell, may have even been one of you!) saw me taking a dump. Not only did they keep walking in on me, but they also kept leaving the door open, and wouldn’t you know that it happened DURING A PARTY (who craps during a shindig unless you have cha-cha-cha anyway?!?!?), so multiple people saw me:
- naked from the waist down,
- possibly passing an actual turd
- in a semi-hunched over shitting position (for speed, yo. Kind of like milking your own belly to help you go faster?! Should have hit up The Shit Whisperer instead!),
- standing up to wipe (please tell me I’m not the only one… it’s just such a better angle! Scott disagrees & opts for the awkward side-cheek-tilt, which actually once cracked one of our wooden toilet seats. L is for LOSER.), and
- pulling my pants back up.
Each time my “friends” burst in on me, they looked, their eyes widened, they laughed hysterically, and then they said they were “SO SORRY!” before leaving again, conveniently leaving the door ajar. Each time, I would scream out between laughs & cries, “Seriously, can I not shit in peace?!?! SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!!!!” Because even I knew that was some funny shit (pun intended), but I certainly didn’t want to be the one they saw layin’ logs. So it happened again and again and again.
Lest you think I’m a freak or something, for the record, I was only on the head for all of like 3-4 minutes as this all went down. I was being quick (you know, I went in sans iPhone)! Such bullshit.
Thoughts? Decode me!
About the Writer
Gwen Hartley of thehartleyhooligans.com is a real-life, damn near Snow F’ing White (she’s pale AND she can wrangle dwarves!) from Kansas who blogs regularly about her kids’ antics, her husband’s sketchy facial hair, and shitting herself. When she’s not cleaning up doggy snot & random bodily fluids (from the kids, pervs!), she finds time to share about her unique life raising a typical child & two profoundly disabled children, laughing all the way.