Since No One Checks The Internet on the 4th of July, Here is A Vlog Of Me Drinking Wine and Reading Old Diary Entries While Wearing My Bathing Suit

So last year I had a post scheduled on the 4th of July. I took time and effort to compile a list of movies about sexy presidents and fellatio-loving puppets, and no one read it because they were too busy seeing how many hot dogs they could fit in their face in 10 minutes.

So this year I decided, why not use the Internet wasteland that is Independence Day (apart, obviously, from Google searches like “how do I put out a grill fire” and “what are the words to the national anthem”) to put something out there that no one wants to see anyway?

Oh say can you see, revved up like a deuce in the dawn's early light?

I figured it would be like, if a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Only mine is, if I make a YouTube video of me getting drunk and reading my old diaries while wearing my new J. Crew bathing suit, will anyone waste their time watching it?

So you see, July 4th, I win either way. Either no one sees this, and I leave with my dignity in tact, or lots of people do, and I can justify the $82 I spent on the bathing suit. Because this basically makes me a model. Right?

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Abby says:

    Yes, posting anything today is akin to whispering at a rock concert. But yet I’m still here…commenting to let you know that at least ONE person read your post before going off to watch baseball (I’m a vegan and don’t eat tube meat, so no hot dogs for me.)

    For what it’s worth, that was $82 well spent. It really added to the dramatic atmosphere of your reading and will look great on your resume when you send it to J.Crew for a modeling gig. I can serve as a reference, if needed.

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  2. Jack says:

    I just like that the banner ad at the top is for alcohol rehab!

  3. Rebecca says:

    I’m Canadian, and we got Monday off as a holiday, but the internet wasteland of this week, particularly today, frustrated me. Thank you Una for making it better!

  4. Alexandra says:

    So a model that we are here, reading our post. on the FOURTH OF JULY.

    What else by way of proof is there???

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  5. Handflapper says:

    I watched it, but I couldn’t hear it, because husband had the stupid rednecks catching alligator snapping turtles on TV turned up too loud. WITH THEIR BARE HANDS. Idiots. What I can see of the suit looks cute. I love J Crew.

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  6. Jen says:

    I’m a new mom so I watched this on the 4th of July while nursing an infant fighting sleep who is kicking me in the very stomach that housed him. Let this day be remembered!

    You’re inspiring me to pull out my college diaries, even though by that age it’s not nearly as cute.

  7. BetaDad says:

    That was very cute! I wish I would have kept a journal as a kid. I’m pretty convinced I was a little asshole. I wish I had some evidence either way.

    You look great in the new suit.

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  8. Dawn says:

    Very funny. you’re right…didn’t get on the internet on the 4th…but lucky for me, once it’s on the “world wide web” it’s always there!

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  9. Are you wearing your bathing suit when we do the AimingLow NonCon roundtable? I think we should. No?

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