DIY 50 Shades of Grey


“I want you to dominate me!” I announce to Henry.

“Wha…?” Henry’s asleep. I’ve flipped on the light switch. He blinks at me mole-ishly from his protective, fetal position under the duvet.

I want to be the Submissive and you be the Dominant,” I say.

“Oh Christ! Would you please stop reading Fifty Shades of Grey in the bathroom!”

“Because I’m always The Decider. Do we go to the park or the zoo? Do we boycott Valentine’s Day or leave our kids with vagrants and go to Joshua Tree to eat peyote and howl at the moon? I don’t want to decide in bed.”

“The Ambien’s finally unhinged you. That shit’ll cause early-onset dementia. Besides, I tried to dominate you last Wednesday but you had to watch Smash!”

“Dominate me anyway! That’s what Dominants do! You should do what you want whether I want you to or not. That’s what turns me on!”

“But you’re physically stronger than me.”

“You could get the testosterone patch and cleats,” I suggest.

“How about you tell me when you want me to dominate you and I’ll pretend I don’t know and I’ll sneak up behind you, knock you over the head and carry you off to bed.”

“You can’t carry me. I weigh too much.”

“I’ll drag you.”

“Just not during the weeknights with the kids and school and screaming, I’m too exhausted, and Saturdays are out ’cause the kids usually have sleepovers here…”

“So it’s Sunday.”

“Sunday’s the Lord’s day,” I say.

“We’re agnostic. We’re not sure God exists.”

“But what if God does exist and doesn’t want you yanking anal beads out of my ass while wearing a Hannibal Lecter mask?

“Hmm, that leaves… never.”

“Let me just check my calendar,”… Hmm, what’s a good day to be submissive…What’s a good day…?

When I look up Henry stands before me, smoldering me like Christian Grey smolders at Anastasia Steele. He lustfully rakes his hand through the meager hairs on his balding pate and pulls me to him. Oh my, whoah.

“Is it okay if I dominate you now?”

“Yes, but I don’t want you to ask permission.”

“I’m not asking permission, I’m dominating you now.”

He attempts to lift my bulk in his steel-hewn arms, with his arthritic fingers. He’s so hot! Whoa!

He carries my left leg, while I hop on my right foot, to the bed where he collapses on top of me.

“Please be gentle,” I say in my Submissive voice, “but not too gentle, forceful enough to frighten me, but not so forceful that I have to shower and brush my teeth again.”

“I’m going to take you now, in the missionary position quietly so we don’t wake the kids.”

“You’ve got 15 minutes.”

“I’m taking 20.”

Wow! Fade to black.

About The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful

Aging Vaintress, Mom Butler, Wife Dominatrix, Author of the Roman a clef "Into The Child: 40 weeks in the gestational wilderness"


  1. LOL! I can completely relate. ‘Why can’t you be more assertive? You know, when I want you to and how I want you to and for only as long as I want you to.’

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  2. It’s so annoying when they love and respect us. WTH?

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  3. Meredith says:

    I love it! Never fails, we get the knock on the door right and the wrong moment. It’s enough to just say, “FORGET IT!”

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  4. BBWTT says:

    I really enjoyed the article here. I laughed aloud, especially at the “We’re agnostic!” part! (I will go on to say that I don’t think God gives a rip about anal beads) If being dominated is something that one truly wants, you find ways to do it without swinging from the chandeliers and screaming at the top of their lungs. In fact, many couples who maintain a 24/7 power exchange would seem like regular couples to you. You’d never know. As for the type of power exchange depicted in the 50 Shades books, it is called “Consensual non-consent.” And stories are rarely like reality in a true power exchange, more on that in a sec.

    The rest of my comment is a reply to the author about her comment about love and respect:

    Submissives are loved and respected by their Dom(me)s. Submissives are actually in control the whole time. What is rarely told in stories is the fact that in a true D/s relationship, there are many discussions about boundaries, safety, and care. Dom(me)s seek only to give their submissive what they want. They have a limited arena to control. He/She is filling the sub’s needs completely.

    For example, if a submissive says that a hard limit is no broken skin and the Dom(me) breaks the skin, that Dom(me) has broken the submissive’s trust and that submissive can (and often will) terminate the power exchange, or the whole relationship.

    It is a complicated and intricate thing. It’s often misunderstood, and misrepresented in mainstream media.

  5. This was HILARIOUS! As a natural Dominant Female who has played with plenty of submissive pets… I LOVED IT! I come from the other side. Females who Dominate sub men and I’m in a relationship now where I can’t!!!! EEEEK! If BDSM play doesn’t come from a natural chemistry place – it’s hilarious!

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    • BBWTT says:

      I totally agree with you there! Trying to spontaneously try power exchanges when an agreement wasn’t already in place feels forced and silly.

      There are times where my hub and I spontaneously go into our Top/bottom roles (I am always the top). However, we’ve had many, many discussions of what my role is to entail, so if he’s in sub-space, I know what I’m to do to meet his needs.

      How are you handling the vanilla?

      • We are in the process of a break-up! HA! I actually had a nice time with the total Vanilla lovemaking. It was sweet. I was actually surprised that I could respond so well. But my Domme would come up occasionally and sometimes he liked it and sometimes it scared him. So, now at this point in my life – I am certain that I can enjoy a Vanilla lifestyle – but I need to throw some Chilli Peppers into the mix from time to time. I’m not extreme in my personal BDSM style – so I didn’t think it would be a problem…. but it truly is a NEED. I know that now – at least occasionally.

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        • BBWTT says:

          We managed vanilla for about 9 years, wrapped up in the guilt and self loathing that only religion can bring.

          We need to have kink in our life. I understand completely.

    • We have no BDSM chemistry. Now we have to add that to earning money for college tuition. Sigh.

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      • Oh honey, was this a personal account? I thought you were writing a parody! Bless your heart! If both of you want it…. you can create it!

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      • Okay, try creating a submissive “role.” Try a costume… French Maids sometimes bring out the Dominant in a man – surprise him. Gosh, I know that may sound corny… but the tease/denial aspect may be one you might want to try out. You are there to do a job… clean. “Please Sir, I am not allowed.” Bend over and show your ass as you “pick up” something off the floor…. reach over him… and deny. That MIGHT trigger the Dominant in him. Just my Blazing Dominatrix two cents! LOL! I don’t know HOW to be submissive – but I LOVE women in those french maid costumes – tease and denial – OUTRAGES Me! LMAO

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      • BBWTT says:

        It doesn’t take a lot to create a fairly simple dynamic. If you’d like to try your hand at being a submissive, really think about what you’d like him to do. Most women have ravishment fantasies. They simply want to be taken by their partners and not be allowed to say “no.”

        Just talk about it. I recommend not doing the talking in bed, it tends to feel silly when you’re in your coffee cup pjs (I have some, doesn’t everyone!?) to talk about sex, especially kinky sex. You don’t have to plan it. You can just say, “I’d like to try this, do this sometime.” See what happens.

        I love Veronica’s suggestion as well!

  6. Shauntelle says:

    OMG! I laughed so loud, they thought something was wrong with me (I’m at work)!

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  7. Traci says:

    Great story. I’m glad to hear the book’s working for you.

  8. tonya says:

    That? Was awesome. Way better than the dumb book. Thanks for the laugh!

  9. Meredith says:

    HaHA!! Love the honest sex-scheduling breakdown. A little more realistic than the every-5-seconds depicted in the book ;)

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  10. i3yronic says:

    Hello again ladies,

    Full disclosure, I have a penis; yet I appreciate you allowing me to intrude into your estrogen-laced literary bastion. So, thanks. Please hold the hiss and boos and any questions that are penile-related until the end.

    I wanted to let you know, that I think the modern “Christian” movement has done more to ruin marriages than anything else, especially via their abhorrence of anything fun in the bedroom.

    God, being omnipotent and omnipresent, has seen it all. So much so, that she is bored. I would hate to even imagine the kind of porn she has to watch to get excited these days.

    Additionally, I happen to know, first hand, that she’s a bit of a saucy perv, also.

    Firstly, I’m part angel; long story, but you could look up “Nephilim” if you’re curious (obviously I’m not a direct offspring, but part-nephi on down the line ;-) ).

    Additionally, I married the proof.

    A bet, well more like a ‘dare’, between God and Michael, the angel, not the apostle, resulted in my 95 pound wife getting 32DD’s and curves that would wreck a speeding Ferrari. She has a behind that stokes the edacity of the most staunch and, like Her son that that hung out with hookers and thieves, I believe it, too, might be able to bring sight to the blind; though I give no credence to claims that it can cure the lame, as she’s made it hard for me to walk on several occasions.

    When we go somewhere, women smile at me, and then see her and scowl. Ladies, be nicer to one another ;) Or at least wait until you get to know her before scowling (just kidding Pigeon)

    He bestowed this bundle of joy to two ultra-conservative, reformed hippie, born-agains. She laughed, and Michael, although losing the ‘dare’, still got to enjoy it.

    So, God, with all the other important things going down – famine, strife, war, slavery, the restriction of female reproductive and contraceptive rights by the fringe, ultra-conservative right… I’m more than certain she doesn’t give a toss about what you’re doing in the bedroom, or with whom, or with what sex, as long as it is between two (or more) consenting adults.

    With the overwhelming message of “Love thy neighbor” (not talking to you right now, mon Petit Pomme de Terre) and “do unto others”, you know, the “Golden Rule” and all, I’m confident that if two people (again, or more) are lucky enough to find each other in this world, and they both want to make the beast with two backs, AND they have coinciding kinks, then they are more than sanctioned to have it on to the best of their capabilities as long as ADULT and CONSENTING.

    I would say “as long as no one gets hurt”, but the adventurous often find a bit of warm-up and some light stretching is sometimes necessary – rookie mistake.

    Rule of thumb, if what you’re doing isn’t bringing harm onto someone, you can pretty much be sure that God doesn’t care…

    but she might be watching. :)

    Amber’s Closet
    (more than 500Million reasons to leave her, and that ONE makes me stay)

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  11. i3yronic says:

    OK… since no one threw anything at me… yet… a bit more of my unsolicited testosterone-laced input…

    Be assertive. We men, and no, I don’t speak for all of them, but I did win on the electoral college vote, I took all the “swing” states, we are somewhat clueless in the reading clues department. Although, that is somewhat to be blamed on the women for being clueless on giving clues department.

    If you want it, tell him, or make it bluntly, unmistakably known. Those of us brought up in the “good” to “decent” or better parenting categories were all taught to be a commensurate gentleman and to never offend the delicate nature and sensibilities of the fairer sex. Then there was the “no means no” and “date rape” era. In college, our RA passed out forms titled “CONSENT TO ENTER INTO SEXUAL CONTACT” that we were to have our “dates” sign. It seemed like a bad idea to me, as there were no “WITHDRAWAL OF CONSENT TO…” forms.

    So, years of breeding out all animalism and replacing it with mandatory classes on the “Dimensions of Gender and Culture” classes, taught us (men) that to be an Anglo-Caucasian with a penis was the ultimate disgrace responsible for most of the world’s ills due to out evil – unless you were gay, then you’re cool.

    Then, the “Hostile Work Environment” seminars on secual harassment took root, and by then, even working in adult entertainent, there was a distinct twinge of shame-guilt, commonly diagnosed as “shamilt” every time men went to the bathroom and had to handle themselves. The banners that said “Shake it more than thrice and you’re playing with it – There have been 0 occupation injuries since…” didn’t do you any favors either.

    So ladies, the key is to be a lady outside the bedroom, and less of one in – or whatever area is temporarily sanctioned for bedroom play. Don’t be as coy, which is attractive, but be a bit more assertive, which is more.

    Those that are a bit reluctant to dive right in, can start with leaning over on the couch, and whispering something in your partner’s ear. Tell him (or her) something you like that they do in the bedroom. Bonus points if you reach across his face to hold the opposite side of the head, and make it a real lusty and warm whisper.

    You get to stroke his ego, and reinforce positive behavior (good doggie!) and you’re likely to open dialogue and probably his pants, too.

    In my own marriage, yeah, believe it or not, I tricked one of you, I’ve found that my wife is intimidated by asking for sex. One might say “frigid” if she wasn’t so hot once things get started. I wish she wasn’t. I understand that I get busy, and sometimes she needs to “get busy”. We all have needs, and often on different schedules. A little reminder here and there is more than appreciated,

    But, don’t get discouraged either. If at first you don’t succeed… be more blunt. My wife once attempted to wake me in the dead of night in the dead of my sleep. At the time, I had an odd schedule and was always sleep deprived, and sex starved, as I am sure, was she. Well, her “advances”, as in “Hey. Hey. Are you sleeping? Wanna do it?” were likely met with “arrrdggghhh oooo gooo awayyy”. I don’t know, I was barely there. But she told me years later that it made her afraid to advance the sexual game-play. Sad.

    So thicker skin… and COMMUNICATE. Talk about it. We aren’t nearly as stupid as we look, we just are very preoccupied. Any good husband measures himself upon the happiness and success of his wife, or he had at least better start. That’s a lot of pressure on a man. We are human. My wife has the habit of thinking I’m super-human. I’m not.

    I’m also not telepathic, I can’t read her mind, and conversations she has with me in her head “for practice” I did not participate in, nor do I have any knowledge of their outcome nor recollection of how sensitive or assish, I was in her imagination. Ladies, communication means, out loud, with diction, and hopefully in one’s native tongue or signs. Again, we aren’t super heroes, and some of us even cry, so we’re just like you, but way different. And again, we’re preocupied. While our face watching hockey is saying “duh”, our brain is saying “Don’t forget to take out trash. Mikey has soccer tomorrow, and Erica has a spelling test on Thursday. Remember to help my Pumplin with the kids’ lunches tonight. Sales reports are due Monday, I hope Rogers gets that deal for the team, I don’t want to fire him, and what’s up with that Smith hitting on me, I told her I was married – oh ask my Pigeon for a picture frame so I can put her on my desk (and maybe put her on my desk, too, if there’s time), and …” we are constantly stressing about finances, the state of our relationships, and not letting down our family, and most of all, not letting down our wife. You ladies do not have the monopoly on worrying, not by a long shot. So, we actually appreciate a sexy reminder once and a while.

    Talk. Talk some more. Talk again. Smile anyway. Talk again. The more talk, and the more one can listen without judgement and just think it over, the less mystifying and less intimidating it becomes.. But again, no “hints” or “clues”, ladies, you’re shit at it, and we’re shitter at picking up on them.

    Now, that you have him where you want him, TELL HIM where you want him. Teach him what you like. In addition to being bad at picking up clues, we are great at wanting to please. Who doesn’t want to give a high-five or two around the water cooler after giving you five or more minimum :-) )

    You like it harder, say it. You like it slower, say it, but say it s l o w e r and with some sprinkling of sultry. We may be easier to train with positive reinforcement than dogs, and dogs are easy to train. But please, ladies, only use your secret super powers for good, not evil.

    There’s a catch though. I know, but isn’t there always? You, ladies, have to know what you want. Sounds simple, but my wife is still working on it. She wants it longer, but then will complain about it taking too long. So it’s shorter, and then she’ll blog about it not being long enough (she’s a writer here, too) and thinks I don’t know about her blogs – I’m a big fan, sweetie. That’s where more talking comes in.

    Just do it. Yeah, it’s awkward, but we’re not seventeen anymore, and it won’t kill us. I looked and couldn’t find a definitive medical case where the cause of death was “embarrassment”, but I do know of plenty of marriages killed by a lack of communication.

    If my wife took my hand, pulled me off the couch and said “We’re going to bed now and you’re going to…” then I’d be a fool to argue, no?

    Good luck ladies, and I can’t think of anything sexier that my wife wears than her smile.

    please forgive any typos, I stop proof-reading after 0400 – and besides, I’m just a male.

    Amber’s Closet
    (500MILLION reasons to leave her, and I stay for that ONE)

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