A Brief List of Skills I Have Improved Since My Son Started Crowning

A recent snapshot of me and my husband...

I realized recently that I don’t always come off as especially grateful when I talk about my life as a new mom. And that’s a shame. Because even though, yes, I wouldn’t know a good night’s sleep if it woke me up at 3 am and started crying and trying to suck on my nipple, and despite a newfound style that might best be described as “derelict Proactiv commercial,” I have a lot going for me.

I’ve even been working on setting a few personal records in the skills department. Such as:

Rapid Weight Loss

Need to lose 15 pounds in 5 days? Grow a human being in your body, then eject it! Easy peasy! Make sure to lose some extra blood for bonus points!!!

Whistling

Only, not through my lips. Well, not the ones on my face.

Lactating/Cock-Teasing 

Having always longed for perkier, fuller breasts, I am now the proud owner of two Goodyear blimp-sized tits that will leak if my husband so much as looks at them.

Making Up Parodic Song Lyrics on the Fly

Sesame Street’s classic “Put Down the Duckie” has become “Poop on the Boppy.” Based, if you must know, on a true story. Speaking of which…

Defecation Speed

When my husband takes his sweet time in the john, I like to remind him that I do not have that luxury. “Do you KNOW how long it takes me to poop?” I ask witheringly. “19 seconds. I shit faster than Carl Lewis sprints 200 meters at the Olympics. He won the gold medal, and I win hemorrhoids.”

That last one is definitely going on my resume. I mean, what employer wouldn’t love a new hire who will use less than .001% of her work day on bathroom breaks?

 

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About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Rebecca says:

    Amazing, I am yet to have read anything quite so hilarious and honest about being a mum- thank you! Love the luxury you didn’t know you had reference!

    • Una LaMarche says:

      Thanks! It’s amazing how many things I took for granted. Like not smelling like vomit (most of the time), or having the time to tweeze my eyebrows instead of half-assedly SHAVE them (do. not. recommend.)

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  2. HeatherS says:

    So, so true!

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  3. Robin says:

    Yes, the speed pooping is also a resume worthy skill I have perfected. Hubby dearest spends 20+ minutes, always during critical times when the kids need the most attention. I, on the other hand, am in and out before our little midgets even know I’ve left the room.

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