I realized recently that I don’t always come off as especially grateful when I talk about my life as a new mom. And that’s a shame. Because even though, yes, I wouldn’t know a good night’s sleep if it woke me up at 3 am and started crying and trying to suck on my nipple, and despite a newfound style that might best be described as “derelict Proactiv commercial,” I have a lot going for me.
I’ve even been working on setting a few personal records in the skills department. Such as:
Rapid Weight Loss
Need to lose 15 pounds in 5 days? Grow a human being in your body, then eject it! Easy peasy! Make sure to lose some extra blood for bonus points!!!
Only, not through my lips. Well, not the ones on my face.
Having always longed for perkier, fuller breasts, I am now the proud owner of two Goodyear blimp-sized tits that will leak if my husband so much as looks at them.
Making Up Parodic Song Lyrics on the Fly
Sesame Street’s classic “Put Down the Duckie” has become “Poop on the Boppy.” Based, if you must know, on a true story. Speaking of which…
When my husband takes his sweet time in the john, I like to remind him that I do not have that luxury. “Do you KNOW how long it takes me to poop?” I ask witheringly. “19 seconds. I shit faster than Carl Lewis sprints 200 meters at the Olympics. He won the gold medal, and I win hemorrhoids.”
That last one is definitely going on my resume. I mean, what employer wouldn’t love a new hire who will use less than .001% of her work day on bathroom breaks?