My partner left for the Bahamas this morning at 6 a.m. and, though I could vent and/or keen about life’s unfairness, it would not be relevant. The Trip of Bahamanian Unfairness is relevant only because I had to make my own coffee this morning which means that I was dumb as a door for a longer period of time than usual.
As I waited for the coffee to brew, I sat on the couch trying to wake up and looked at my iPhone and noticed that I had an iMessage from…Vikki. I am Vikki so I wondered how I could have a message from myself. The message said only, “Why?” For some reason, this confused and frightened me. Was I writing messages to myself and not remembering them? Was my existential crisis manifesting magically in iMessage? So, I did what any reasonable person would do–I responded “WHO IS THIS?”
Yes, I began text fighting with myself.
One cup of coffee later, I received another message but it was from a friend of mine. It was gibberish and then I noticed that I had (apparently) sent her gibberish earlier. What the hell was happening?! I texted back and said my phone was being weird and THEN a message appeared on the screen that said, “Gbfvvfgv is awesome!!!!!”
It was very early in the morning and my partner was out of town and the kids were asleep and I was alone and my phone had gone rogue. I half expected to hear a noise outside and feel a strange compulsion to strip down to my bra and panties and run outside to investigate only to fall victim to a serial killer dressed as Paul Bunyan who would yell, “Yah, you betcha” before striking me down with his giant ax. This is Minnesota after all.
And then… I heard a giggle from upstairs. I ran upstairs and my son was playing with his iTouch. “Are you sending texts?!” I screamed. He laughed, “Yeah, I’m awesome.” I asked him to hand over the Touch and that’s when I realized that, somehow, my email address was his text default. I was relieved that I wasn’t going to be murdered by a lumberjack but then the true horror struck–”Have you seen other texts I’ve sent?!”
Yes, he had.
He smirked and said, “Is there something you want to tell me, mom? Now that I already know?” I was freaking out. What had I texted to my partner recently?! What could he know?!
Finally, he laughed and said, “I’m just messing with you. I only saw the text about the liquor store.”
If Paul Bunyan shows up, I’m letting him have the kid.