Shower Stabbing and Other Paranoias

Every time I step in to my shower I am about 90% sure that somebody is going to break in to my house and stab me while I am washing my face.

Because you can’t see what is going on when your eyes are closed and you can’t open your eyes when there is soap on them. WHAT TO DO?

When I go into my kitchen in the middle of the night to get a glass of water there will either be a killer clown outside of my window or Geoff Tate from Queensryche.

Speaking of clowns, I am pretty sure that the clown from Poltergeist lives under my bed.

I can’t even watch it. You have to tell me if it is the wrong clip.

If it gets very cold quickly, I assume it is the angry dead people. If I am driving alone in a car at night I am afraid a creepy bag lady from the cult* will pop up in my backseat. I don’t even remember which movie that was from, maybe The Believers, but it scared the living crap out of me.

I am afraid of Samara and snakes in my mailbox and Pennywise being in my sewer. I worry about demonic possession and Freddy killing me in my sleep and the Blair Witch and dingoes eating my babies.

When I was in first grade we got HBO and I watched Porky’s like 47 times and it didn’t mess me up at all. I saw Copycat once, as an adult, and I am still scared of Harry Connick Jr.

I am never letting my kids watch scary movies.

I don’t want them to be paranoid like I am, but mostly I just don’t want them sleeping in my bed.

*Not the band. I’m not afraid of those guys.

About Goon Squad Sarah

Goon Squad Sarah rocks the mic like a vandal.

Sarah can also be found at Sarah and the Goon Squad, Draft Day Suit, That's Right. You Heard Me.,on twitter @goonsquadsarah or yelling at her TV.


  1. Imperfectmomma says:

    Preach it sistah! It’s why I am terrified of birds. It’s also why I hate the beach (the birds & JAWS).

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  2. Maggie S. says:

    You just made me realize. I stopped being afraid of that stuff mostly. I figure life is bad enough, that I will just beat down a sociopath. And go take a nap.

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  3. Trish says:

    I won’t watch Criminal Minds at night. I am convinced the perp in the episode is outside my window. I also hate going to the cabin up north in winter. There aren’t drapes on the huge patio doors overlooking the frozen lake. I know there’s a killer sitting out there on the ice just waiting for me to go to sleep. Ever since I had these darn kids….I can’t watch scary stuff unless it’s sunny outside. I’m right there with you and the paranoia

  4. norm says:


  5. Jessi says:

    I love horror movies and watch them all the time. Mostly, they don’t scare me long-term. Once, though, when I was about six or seven, I saw a movie where a woman was washing her hair in the shower and the water turned to blood and she was standing there lathering her hair up with blood while little rivers of blood ran down her face and pooled around her feet. To this day, I am terrified every time I wash my hair, that I’m going to look at my hands and they will be red with shower-blood.

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  6. Sarah says:

    I just scared myself by watching the video I posted.

    I am going to print this out and show it to my therapist.

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  7. Have you ever seen “The Ring”? When that chick crawls out of the TV set… Save.Me.

  8. I’ll admit that the clown from Poltergeist scared the shit out of me. I will also admit that there are times when everyone is asleep, I turn out the lights to go to bed and RUN to get into my bedroom because I’m afraid there is either some ghost, demon or alien in my house just waiting for me to be alone in the dark.

    However, I’m surprised you can function normally with all your “quirks”. LOL At least I found someone with more paranoias than me…

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  9. smart aleck says:

    Totally agree with the washing the face/someone will murder me thing.

    I live in a city and am not afraid to drive at night…but get me on a mostly deserted suburban road and the quote “Thanks for the ride, lady” from Creepshow 2 gets stuck in my head…..

    I always look under my car before getting into it, and walk around to make sure my tires haven’t been slashed.


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