Real World Yoga

Like everyone else who is an American, I need to de-flab and de-stress.  Those yoga people always look super serene and lithe, and not that I hate them with a Gwyneth Paltrow level of despising, but I do hate them just enough that I want to be like them. (To clarify, I do NOT want to be like GP. That very thought is my hell.)

I’ve been doing yoga for about 4 years on and off.  I’ll do it daily for a stretch of months and then . . . nothing.  But instead of just opting not to work out first thing in the morning because I am too lazy to go to a class, I’ve created a Real World Yoga program that works for me, and should work for you. Particularly if you are lazy. STEP ONE: Find a yoga program.  This can be a DVD or a book or one of those older ladies stretching it on public access. I recommend a book, because books are quiet and you can more easily flip the pages when there’s a pose you want to avoid. Books are also more easily implemented as a part of . . .

STEP TWO: Turn on the TV and put on the news.  I know, I know.  Yoga is about calming and serenity and blah blah blah.  Look, I don’t have that kind of time.  I need to find out the weather, the traffic, and if there have been any power outages or crazed gunmen on the loose before I head out to work. I’m assuming you do, too.

STEP THREE: Start your breathing and centering and stretching. I highly recommend doing yoga in your pajamas, because that way you don’t have to change, and they are generally accommodating enough so that you can do your workout without being bindy.  Also, this way you don’t have to pay $295 for a pair of stretchy pants. [Fucking seriously, Lululemon?]

STEP FOUR:  Stand up and reach tall in tree pose.  Ignore that piece of shit car that’s been in your neighbor’s driveway for about 4 months.  Remind yourself to close your curtains more tightly before you start your workout tomorrow. Breathe and move into . . .

STEP FIVE: Corpse pose.  This is the best part of yoga.  You get to lay on your back, relaxing, breathing deeply, and listening to your local news anchors tell you about the pile up on the freeway you now need to avoid.  This is also a really good pose to appreciate how comfy your pajamas are. If you follow these few steps, you’ll be able to enjoy serenity and suppleness, too.


About the Writer
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed.
 Find me at The Suniverse





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About Guest Writer

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  1. GrandeMocha says:

    I like the way you think! How much weight will I loose on your plan?

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  2. Alexandra says:

    LOVE this guest poster.

    Suniverse you would fit right in here.

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  3. John says:

    I love thinking of the body I’d have if I could devote hours per day doing yoga. And then I start actually practicing yoga, but the poses are difficult to get into, and I like easy . . . corpse pose is great for me. But, I have a nasty tendency to fall asleep while in class, doing corpse pose, and I’m a sleep-farter who commonly wakes up with erections.

    I’m a hoot in a room full of middle-aged women.

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  4. That picture! Did you pick that? Because I can never un-see that prominent crotch. Ever. Please promise me I don’t look like that doing a forward fold, because I would have to kill myself.

    • Suniverse says:

      It’s completely horrifying, isn’t it? And I wish I could take credit, but now. It’s the gals here at Aiming Low with their eagle eyes for . . . whatever the hell that is.

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    • JW Moxie says:

      Alas, it was I, Queen Empress Editor of the Guest Posts who chose the picture of the IN YO’ FACE YOGA CAMEL TOE.

      That right there shows why I’d rather keep this extra tub of chub than go to yoga.

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  5. Suni love – I have never been very bendy, but The Suniverse School of Yoga sounds right up my alley. Particularly the PJs and the TV and the ranting about the shitty neighbor. Sign me up! I’ll bring the chicken biscuits.

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  6. I really really really want just one lousy pair of Lululemon work-out pants.

    But my damn kids want to go to college.

    Stupid offspring.

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  7. John says:

    I love corpse pose – except when I fall asleep in the middle of a yoga class and then wake up only to discover that I’m sporting an erection.

    Then I really love corpse pose.

    I’m with you on yoga — sometimes, I’m really into it, and practice regularly for weeks on end. And then it stops . . . I can’t tell you why it stops, or why it starts back up again when it does, but, somewhere in my mind, there’s a “cut the shit” switch that gets flipped, and I either stop or start going to yoga classes all of the time.

    Obviously, my body & mind are striving for some sort of middle ground. But moderation is for wusses.

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  8. Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with Search Engine Optimization?
    I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good gains.
    If you know of any please share. Many thanks!


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