Like everyone else who is an American, I need to de-flab and de-stress. Those yoga people always look super serene and lithe, and not that I hate them with a Gwyneth Paltrow level of despising, but I do hate them just enough that I want to be like them. (To clarify, I do NOT want to be like GP. That very thought is my hell.)
I’ve been doing yoga for about 4 years on and off. I’ll do it daily for a stretch of months and then . . . nothing. But instead of just opting not to work out first thing in the morning because I am too lazy to go to a class, I’ve created a Real World Yoga program that works for me, and should work for you. Particularly if you are lazy. STEP ONE: Find a yoga program. This can be a DVD or a book or one of those older ladies stretching it on public access. I recommend a book, because books are quiet and you can more easily flip the pages when there’s a pose you want to avoid. Books are also more easily implemented as a part of . . .
STEP TWO: Turn on the TV and put on the news. I know, I know. Yoga is about calming and serenity and blah blah blah. Look, I don’t have that kind of time. I need to find out the weather, the traffic, and if there have been any power outages or crazed gunmen on the loose before I head out to work. I’m assuming you do, too.
STEP THREE: Start your breathing and centering and stretching. I highly recommend doing yoga in your pajamas, because that way you don’t have to change, and they are generally accommodating enough so that you can do your workout without being bindy. Also, this way you don’t have to pay $295 for a pair of stretchy pants. [Fucking seriously, Lululemon?]
STEP FOUR: Stand up and reach tall in tree pose. Ignore that piece of shit car that’s been in your neighbor’s driveway for about 4 months. Remind yourself to close your curtains more tightly before you start your workout tomorrow. Breathe and move into . . .
STEP FIVE: Corpse pose. This is the best part of yoga. You get to lay on your back, relaxing, breathing deeply, and listening to your local news anchors tell you about the pile up on the freeway you now need to avoid. This is also a really good pose to appreciate how comfy your pajamas are. If you follow these few steps, you’ll be able to enjoy serenity and suppleness, too.
About the Writer
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed. Find me at The Suniverse.