Landscape Wars

Rivals since their first class together at Landscaping Academy fifteen years ago, Mack and Kenny often find themselves in our subdivision working side by side on neighboring homes.

Their days working together go like this: Mack sees Kenny’s 16-foot M22 L’il Giant extension ladder and raises him with his Alta Vista 10N 24-foot telescopic.

It’s spring in the suburbs, and there are Landscape Wars going on every seven houses in my neighborhood. The ploys involved are enough to have Donald Trump send his film crew down here. These two bring out their 20-foot-long, hurricane-strength mulch blowers to show who’s master and commander of shredded bark placement.

There’s covert intelligence gathering operations by the guys who work for Mack and Kenny where information is traded from listening in, taking photos, planting listening devices in the petunias, interviewing neighbors.

Stakes are high with landscaping jobs costing in the tens of thousands of dollars; it is every land architect for himself.

I’ve never employed Mack or Kenny, but I can’t say I don’t enjoy the attention of these hardy men who can talk hydrangea. In the midst of a landscape war in my cul de sac this week, Liam Neeson look-alike Mack strolled over while I was busy raking and spreading my own mulch.

He offered me his company’s card, I thanked him and let him know that his competition had offered me a card already, along with a free estimate.

He leaned against his shovel, and his gaze seared right into me. Ever so close now, he huskily whispered, “Yeah. Kenny’s a good guy. He does what he can with his 74a Bobcat. But, lemme show you somethin’… got it backed up right here in the flatbed … the RoboLift 3000.  Take your bushes to heights you never imagined, lady.”

Kenny? Kenny who.


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About Alexandra

Alexandra is a writer who has found the secret to getting rich as a blogger that she'll share with you for just $9.99. When not taking her checks to the bank, Alexandra blogs at Good Day Regular People about life as an overanalyzing mother of three boys trying to go unnoticed in her small town. The most important things you need to know about her are that the internet saves her daily and that she believes the most you can ask for in life is to arrive at the end of it all with your hair messed up, out of breath, and not throwing up. Alexandra is a contributing writer for TikiTikiblog and FunnynotSlutty.


  1. Chantel says:

    Yowzers. I am ALL about a man who’s good with a hedge trimmer….um, did that come out right?

  2. Ha! :D In our neighborhood, my husband caved to the peer pressure of owning a riding mower after about two weeks of living here. And, yes, there have been lawn tractor races in the street on occasion.

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  3. brian miller says:

    they are just a bunch of weedwackers…i got better ways to prove by manhood…smiles.

  4. Sandra says:

    I am laughing heartily! This my darling, THIS right here is why you are THE EMPRESS!….take your bushes to heights you never imagined….bahahahaha!…can’t stop laughing! Love this!

  5. Back up that trolley, Pretty Lady! Could I get Kenny’s card? Do you realize how rare “free estimates” are to come by!?!?

    We live in a drought-prone area where xeriscaping is the trend du jour. Oh sure, you can find numerous articles on how beautiful it all can be… Instead, all my neighbors compete with flashier combinations of rocks and mulched “gardens” filled to the brim with cheap plastic decor. Do gnomes require watering? ;)

    On second thought – maybe I should go with Mack. Mama loves heavy machinery and it sounds like Kenny just doesn’t measure up! xo

  6. Alexandra says:

    These things actually go on, sweepea.

    Me excluded, dont have the cashola for it. But the neighbors, they go as far as spending 37,00 for a row of new trees so’s they dont’ have to see their neighbors.

    And I see all this, while I’m out there, in my son’s shorts, laying out my own mulch.

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  7. Ally says:

    I’m clearly living in the wrong neighborhood. There are no Mack and Kenny’s here, though I do find the occasional business card or flyer tucked in my front door frame. I’d spend a lot more time doing yard work if they were providing that kind of entertainment here!

  8. If I weren’t such a delicate flower of a woman, I’d say something about appreciating a man like Mack who likes his bushes wild. Or make a Brazilian wax joke or something. Luckily for y’all, I’m too damned dainty to go there.

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  9. Kimberly says:

    My husband does the landscaping and my dog provides the fertilizer.
    There is all sorts of wrong in that one sentence.
    Where is your mind Empress.

  10. I love this — it’s so, so true! And you know what’s freaky? When all the landscaping trucks pull up to their respective client homes simultaneously every Saturday. Like a fleet. With military precision. It scared the hell out of me when we first moved to the burbs.

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  11. Alexandra says:

    I KNOW.

    I grew up in a city, across the street from a university. So, lawn care? Not so much.

    And then you come here and it’s like whoa…as if GGGma and GGGpa left the land to them after squatting on it.

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  12. Ann says:

    OMG! That is hysterical! If I lived there where there were landscape wars I’d probably set up a dandelion garden!

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    • Alexandra says:

      Ann: this is NO tall tale.

      These trucks are all over the neighborhood tearing up lawns and leaving mud in our driveways.

      And the women here? THEY LOVE THESE GUYS.

      There is something going on here, I smell it in the air.



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  13. pat says:

    That is so funny! Those boys and their toys…
    In my neighborhood the crews all look the same, they drive older Toyota pickups, and they ALL try to steal the customers of the others.

  14. Charlotte says:

    Uhm, I feel like I need a hot shower and a cigarette after reading this post (and yes, I’m still quitting). WOW. This is steamy.

    Now I really want a flowerbed of hydrangeas.

    Last week I had a man urinating on my neighbor’s doorstoop and then he removed his underwear and attempted to throw it in the garbage (he missed).

    Wanna trade?

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  15. Lady Jennie says:

    Take your bushes ….? Woah! Double Entendre if I ever heard one.

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  16. Nice content on land scapeLandscape Companies Weston Ma

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