Don’t Be the Banana Hammock Guy

The other day my kid and I passed the Speedo guy as we were driving to the playground.

“Is that the guy who wears the Speedo?” I said.

My daughter started to laugh. “Hheh, yeah mom. Eww.”

“Mr Creeps,” I said, “that’s what we should call him.”

Mr. Creeps is, well, creepy. He clears the pool at least thrice per week with his banana hammock fashion show. His audience? Kids and horrified moms. In general, there’s nothing terribly wrong with tight skivvies. If you’re, let’s say, Michael Phelps. It totally makes sense. But even Phelps has been known to wear pants in the pool.

Especially made for water ones, but pants nonetheless.

So, Mr. Creeps, with the weather being all seasonably warm and after passing you on the way to the park, I want to let you know, and any other guy considering the banana hammock as acceptable community pool attire, to leave the bulge behind. And for the love of all that’s holy, do not wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah.

I tried to accept The Hammock. There are a few ladies who rival Lady Gaga in the might-as-well-be-duct-tape-kini area. I’m kinda pissed at them too. Not that I’m a raging prude, I just don’t like my sun with a side of nipple. But considering we all have nipples, it’s less creepy than announcing your arrival with a man bulge. Because of the nipple bias, I gave your hammock a pass.

For four years.

But this year? No way.

Mr. Creeps, if you’re really that bulge conscious and love bananas, I think there are a few other ways to get down. Here are a few:

Make a smoothie
Who doesn’t love the thick creamy goodness of a smoothie? Did you know you can add a banana to one? Well, now you do. Thick. Banana. Cream. I know I have you. Go make one. Instead of visiting us at the pool.

Now Sip That Smoothie While Laying on an Actual Hammock
Bonus if you move a little to the left, then the right, get tangled and go the way of a few crabs and become The Deadliest Catch.

Order Something and Wait for Delivery
Now, that’s the kind of package we can all get behind!

Think of the Bathtub as a Your Own Pool
You can do whatever you like in it. Wear one, not wear one. Bring a ducky, not bring a ducky. Maybe slip under and stay there.

The French Dig It
No Shirt. No Shoes. No Hammock. Plenty of service. Please go.

At the very least, go to Jersey.

About Liz Henry

Liz Henry is the hellraiser behind, The Six Year Itch. She's a big deal over on Twitter because she shaves her chin. And by big deal she means she has a shirt that says "I'm kind of a big deal." Liz is from illadelph, which is Philadelphia but spelled stupid. She was just voted a BlogHer Voice of the Year. Who let that happen?!

Comments

  1. Andrea says:

    The think about banana hammocks is that they demand our attention. You just can’t peel your eyes away. By far the most entertaining banana hammock performance I’ve seen was when my family and I were at a hotel pool and we watched a man change out of a blue banana hammock into a white one under a towel. I won’t say I saw anything obscene, but I won’t say I didn’t, either.

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