Ten Things to do When Your Husband is Away on Business

I'm just trying samples, honest. I didn't paint THE WHOLE WALL.

I promised.

I promised this time that when he went away, I wouldn’t paint any walls. This time.

It turns out that when my husband goes away on business, I get a little stressed out. See, when I handle that stress, I get a wee bit impulsive.

And when I get impulsive to handle that stress, I can’t sleep. And when I can’t sleep? I get busy. Too busy, some would say. And into a little mischief.

 

What kind of mischief? I’m so glad you asked! You didn’t? WELL. Then. This is embarrassing. How about if I tell you anyways, mmkay? Just to be nice and stuff:

  1.  I paint walls. Like my powder room three times. The first two colors were hideous. The last one? I’m still planning on painting over it, but I PROMISED this time. Besides, I haven’t found the right color. I will find it….
  2. Buy furniture. To be fair, I was 9 months pregnant and the mattress was on the floor. It was a bed, yo.
  3. Get a new pet. A cockatiel. WHAT? SHE WAS FREE! And she loved Tom Petty! SCORE!
  4. Design and implement garden beds. Where there previously was grass. His grass. His precious, precious grass.
  5. Rearrange the furniture. In every single room. EVERY. ROOM.
  6. Do weird things to myself. Like dye my hair multiple colors. Paint my toe nails. Several times. And shave my eyebrows. And feet. And pierce my ears….
  7.  I can’t sleep. So I stay up watching stuff. Like the same version of Pride and Prejudice (the good one with Colin Firth, the only acceptable one, in my humble opinion. YUMMY). Over. And over. And over. And again and again.
  8.  I order out. A lot. My kids don’t mind.
  9. I bake. And I don’t, you know, bake. Except for when he’s away. And it’s usually burnt. Which is why I don’t bake.
  10.  Compulsively clean things. He’ll come home to a few gutted closets and a mountain of stuff for Goodwill. Which he likes. The cleaning part, that is. You know, unless it’s his closet.
  11.  (Because I always go to eleven) I let my kids and dogs sleep with me. On the king-sized bed. That typically doesn’t fly when he’s home. Shhhhh…don’t tell.

Got any suggestions?  I’m all ears. Or am I in enough trouble already?

 

About Marj Hatzell

Marj Hatzell climbed Mount Everest, explored the Amazon and swam across the English Channel. Not really, but she's the mother of two kids with special needs so SAME THING. She prefers dogs over people, which means she has STELLAR social skills. Marj isn't a writer but she plays one on tv. Marj also goes to eleven. You can find her at her non-paying day job, the wildly unsuccessful blog The Domestic Goddess, on Twitter, and on Facebook. She also has a not-so-new and definitely-not-successful-and-ignored blog at The Crazy Dog Lady and Facebook page no one visits.

Comments

  1. I love it, that’s so funny. I take a lot of naps when he’s gone and the kids and I go out to eat.
    Great post, thanks for the laugh!

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    • Marj Hatzell says:

      Oh, I take naps a lot alright. Glorious naps, all by myself in a King sized bed. Heaven.

      Except for the two dogs and two kids who insist on hopping in with me. I get about an inch? And a corner of the covers?

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  2. Melissa says:

    I think I’m sort of the same way. My H doesn’t away that often, so I think I feel like I have to cram all the things he might not quite approve of (painting, etc) into the time when he’s gone. I also really enjoy the staying up late watching whatever I want part. Not that he doesn’t let me watch what I want otherwise, it just feels different when he’s away :)

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  3. MamaKaren says:

    I always watch the DVDs that Hubby doesn’t like when he’s gone (or, more accurately, I watch the DVDs he had no desire to see in the first place- Bridemaids, Hot Tub Time Machine, Twin Peaks…). I also do a lot more takeout and convenience food- four days of frozen pizza and breakfast for dinner is OK, right? And I sit around in my pajamas until all hours of the day and I don’t enforce the bed making or hair combing for the kids. I also throw dance parties in the living room, cranking my iPod up to 11.

    Spring Break next week (during which Hubby is off on a golf trip and I am on my own with the offspring) is gonna rock, y’all.

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  4. Shannon says:

    Not to sound snarky or anything but … how about work full time? I work 40 hours a week and have a 3 hour commute daily so I wouldn’t have time to do any of those things while he was gone … besides, I’m almost 6 mos pregnant and all I want to do is sleep, anyway. :)

    • The Domestic Goddess says:

      Alas. Full time job would mean no sleep at all for me, since my kid is nine and sleeps about two hours a day. I’d rather be poor and well rested, honestly.

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  5. Cass says:

    I like these ideas. :-) My fiance has to go out of town more often now that he got promoted and he usually insists I play catch up on the DVR because there’s a large # of shows I watch that he doesn’t.

    As fun as that is…I think I might rather paint.

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  6. Meredith says:

    Okay, I’m a little jealous and majorly impressed by your energy level. This was hysterical–if I would do all these things when my husband goes away he would never come home! Ha! :)

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  7. Andrea says:

    I drink all the wine and make the kids breakfast for dinner every night. And I drink all the wine.

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  8. Caitlin says:

    My 3 year old son is on the spectrum, and my daughter is too young to see super defining characteristics. (we’re pretty sure she’s just bossy and obnoxious, totally a Shapland) Love ‘em both, and have enjoyed being a stay-at-home mom. Unfortunately, this means my hubbs has to work long hours. He got an opportunity to go to Buffalo, NY for two months to make decent (at least more decent) bank, so he’s taking it. It’s been a while since we’ve been separated (he was deployed to Afghanistan while I was preggo with my son), and I’m honestly looking forward to the silent nights so that I can do the cleaning thing. I do it day to day, but you know how it is to clean a table, wipe it down, and have jelly on it less than six seconds later.

    My only suggestion for you would be CRAFTS. I impulsively buy knitting needles and yarn, and spend hours knitting projects that I don’t usually complete out of eventual boredom or distraction. It’s great because you use colors, lovely lovely colors, soft materials, and if you stick to it, you get stuff you can wear! It’s also fall, so perfect knitting season!

    Cait

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