Akin to the housework checklist, I’ve devised a sex-and-drugs checklist for my daughters. I’ll give it to them for their 16th birthdays instead of a car. Which they’ll appreciate.
_ 1. Refuse to have a boyfriend in high school because otherwise you’ll cry a lot. (See item #2)
_ 2. Do not climb out your bedroom window after Junior Prom to spend more time with your date Vanke Schmitzon (a pseudonym), because he’ll feel you up in Jerrald Prostate’s (also a pseudonym) jacuzzi, bring you home at 3 a.m. and your dad will be waiting in the juniper bushes outside your bedroom window, possibly packing heat. The last thing you’ll ever see of Vanke are the whites of his tennis shoes flying through the night as he hauls ass out of there. He won’t pick up his prom photos. He might even transfer schools. (See item #1)
Parents, pull your heads out!
_ 3. Reject drugs of any kind or your father and I will Jamie Spears your ass!
_ 4. Do not be charmed by a USC football player who, while he’s kissing you for the first time, will say, “I can’t believe shit comes out of an ass like that.”
_ 6. Do not then date him for five more years.
_ 7. Realize that if you have sex with a man you will think you love him even though he’s not nice enough to introduce to the warden of your local maximum-security penitentiary.
_ 8. Do not do drugs of any kind or you will burn in everlasting hellfire and other demons will use you to roast their marshmallows. (Just because your parents are agnostic doesn’t mean hell doesn’t exist.)
_ 9. Run as fast as you can away from firefighters who make passes at you. Avoid watching them driving their fire trucks sirens blaring, sliding down fireman poles in their uniforms, rescuing people or knocking down conflagrations because that’s when they’re most addictive. Remember they have groupies and are more likely to suffocate from TMP (Too much p#@sy) than from smoke inhalation.
_ 10. Avoid men with charming foreign accents because they always end up putting a tube sock on their flaccid penis and hopping around your apartment pretending to be a bunny. (Not that that has happened to anyone I know. Or have even heard of.)
_ 11. Do not do drugs of any kind or your mother will move in with you and make more checklists.
(One caveat: You may drink a glass of wine a day after your children are born so you don’t leap out of your skin suit when one of them secretly bites their own arm, then shows you the teeth marks and blames it on their sister. Not that I did that when I was a kid. … sorry Gina.)
About The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful
