Americans love to think of ways the world might come to a gruesome end. Zombies, global pandemics, aliens, asteroids, nuclear war, global warming, or an angry Judeo-Christian or Mayan god. Although people may disagree on the time and means, everyone seems to agree that the world is screwed.
I’m beyond arguing that any of these doomsday scenarios are “unlikely” or even “based on pure conjecture.” I don’t want to be the one kicking myself for not formulating a contingency plan as my last escape route is blocked by the undead.
My game plan is to cover my bases. I recommend you do the same. The first order of business is to establish a sanctuary. This will start with a lead-lined underground bunker, at least until you can secure passage to Mars. You should also get a good year supply of survival food storage and toilet paper for you and your family — plus a little extra for hapless stragglers you meet along the way. This is important because you never know who might be able to fly a helicopter to safety, or at least distract zombies while you escape. Additionally, if the raison d’être of the apocalypse is to purge the wicked, helping out a stranger might bump you above the cut.
You’ll stand a better chance of survival if you keep abreast of organizations that might benefit from greatly reducing the world population — the World Wildlife Fund for example. Don’t let that panda logo fool you. I recommend following a few conspiracy theorist websites such as Activist Post. Sites like this will not only tell you who to watch with disdain, you’ll also learn how to survive martial law, grow your own food, and drink your own urine.
If after all your preparations, survival becomes unfeasible, at least be remembered for your exit. Ideally, you’ll want to take as many zombies, aliens, or mindless acolytes with you as possible. So always keep a live grenade handy or stay close to a deep chasm with a rickety rope bridge that barely supports your weight.
Maybe you think I’m over-analyzing this end of the world thing. Maybe you think you know exactly how the end will come. But no one in their right mind would put it past the universe to throw a twist into what should be a simple annihilation. At this point I’d be surprised if more than one of these catastrophic events doesn’t happen at the same time. The irony of an asteroid finishing off the survivors of a nuclear holocaust is too poetic to dismiss. If you’re going to prepare for one apocalypse, you may as well be ready for all of them.
About the Writer
Mark Montie is a minimalist to a fault, in that he would kind of like to see an apocalypse happen just to test out his survival skills. He does have a paying job though at a web design company and is on the board of a children’s charity called Guatemala Embrace Effort. He also likes to cook with freeze dried food storage.