4 Unintentionally Creepy Dr. Seuss Characters

Happy March, y’all! It’s Dr. Seuss’ birthday tomorrow, so I thought I’d celebrate by listing a few of his beloved “kooky” characters that scared the living bejeesus out of me as a child.

1. “Dad,” Hop on Pop


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad is sad.

Very, very sad.

He had a bad day.

What a day Dad had.

Um… yeah. Dad looks like he’s about to wash down a bottle of Xanax with a liter of vodka, and then maybe play Russian Roulette while watching QVC. For Christ’s sake, tone it down, Seuss.

2. “Foona Lagoona Baboona,” If I Ran The Circus

 

 

 

 

 

That remarkable Foon

who eats sizzling hot pebbles

that fall off the moon!

Disordered eating doesn’t begin to cover it.

3. “Clark,” One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look what we found

in the park

in the dark.

We will take him home

We will call him Clark.

Yes, awesome. Yellow eyes, snaggleteeth–this will end well. (There is a reason the park after dark is a no-no zone, and not just because of the roving masturbators.)

And speaking of pedophiles…

4. “The Cat,” The Cat in the Hat

Hey, your mom’s out doing God knows what, leaving you home alone with a goldfish and some cake, and all of a sudden, a pantsless, bow-tied stranger comes a-knockin’. What does he say? Well:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I know some good games we could play,”

Said the cat.

“I know some new tricks,”

Said the Cat in the Hat.

“A lot of good tricks.

I will show them to you.

Your mother will not mind at all if I do.”

YES, MOMMY MINDS. THIS IS WHY MOMMY KEEPS PEPPER SPRAY IN THE JUNK DRAWER.

 

Photo Credit

About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

Comments

  1. Dara says:

    I’m pretty sure that all the Dr. Seuss books were written on lithium highs. Which is probably why I love them so.
    Hilarious. And yes, the Cat has always seemed worrisome to me too.

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  2. Sarah says:

    LOVED “tone it down, Seuss.” I LOL’d.

  3. Jessi says:

    Even as a little kid, I always had this uncomfortable feeling about the cat in the hat. I’m so glad I wasn’t alone.

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  4. Dusty says:

    I SOOO agree with all of these; in fact, I was just saying yesterday that Seuss drawings always creeped me out. May he RIP.

  5. very funny, Una. the QVC line was a particularly nice touch.

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  6. Ashley says:

    Wow. I wasn’t a huge fan of Dr. Seuss as a child, but I couldn’t pinpoint why. I thought maybe it was the absurdity of it all, or the excessive whining. But no. It was the creepy characters.

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  7. While I love me some Dr.Seuss, Clark was pretty creepy.

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  8. beta dad says:

    My kids have been on a Red Fish, Blue Fish bender for a month. Have to read it at least twice a day. Every time, we stop and talk about how weird Clark is.

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  9. Jack Swagger says:

    I am so glad that I have finally found like minded people. My mom used to force me to read Dr. Seuss when I was a kid and all it did was give me recurring nightmares. The freaky illustrations coupled with crazy dialogue are the scariest things ever. I hate all of Dr.Suess’ books but the one I find greatest issue with is the Cat in the Hat. I have been tirelessly crusading for the ban of the Cat in the Hat or failing that at least for it to stop being read to children. Unfortunately so far every library and school has just laughed at me. No child should have to endure the nightmares I have had and sometimes still have.

    As you have so eloquently put, the Cat is no doubt some kind of pervert. But the story I think is much more depressing. Firstly, the mother irresponsibly leaves her two young children all alone at home. As soon as she is gone, the Cat appears. It is almost as if he has been watching the kids for sometime now and has been waiting patiently to strike when they are most vulnerable. He then proceeds to make the kids feel very, very uncomfortable while showing them ‘tricks’. His speech is also incoherent and nonsensical as if he was intoxicated. The fish, which I believe is a metaphor for the morals of the general public tells him that he should not be there with the two children without their mother. Notice that the sentinel fish is the only voice of reason. The cat then proceeds to lift the fish and do some crazy tricks which I feel is him mocking our morals.

    If that is not freaky enough, the Cat then tells the kids he wants to show them things one and two which are definitely metaphors for his testicles (in the illustrations they are round and furry). Most frighteningly, he reassures the kids and tells them that they are something new they have never seen before but not to worry as they are tame and will not bite. He then pats his balls lovingly and asks the children to play with them. This is in the book.

    When the sick pervert realises that that the mother was returning, he cleans up the house to cover up his tracks so that he will not be caught. He then disappears before the adult returns. Which is what I imagine a pedophile would do. When the mother asks the kids what they have been up to, they say nothing. “What would she do to us? Would she believe us?” is the exact quote. That is exactly what a sexually abused child would think.

    In the sequel, the Cat returns again when the kids are alone. Only this time the sick bastard brings his friends so they can all have a go. And most damning of all, he wears no pants.

    I cannot understand why Dr. Seuss fans love this book so much and recommend it for children. I think the only way to appeal to these people is by rhyming things. That is why I have created the following lines. Note that nothing there is made up. All of it is actually in the book.

    The story begins with the mother away.
    Leaving her young children unattended all day.

    Believe me kind reader I wish not to judge.
    But me thinks this lady has responsibility not much.

    As soon as he is sure the adult has gone.
    Like a moth to a flame to the children he is drawn.

    He starts to go into one of his crazy rants.
    He wears a hat and tie but strangely no pants.

    “Let’s have some fun that is funny, come on let’s play!”
    That is something only a pedophile would say.

    “Your mother won’t mind” he said, “I’ll show you a trick”.
    If only they knew he was talking about his dick.

    “ Their mother is not here, you should leave.” the fish quarrels.
    For you see my friend it represents decency and morals.

    The cat grabs the fish and lifts it over its head.
    To demonstrate clearly that values are dead.

    At this point in time the children become uncomfortable.
    For they have just been exposed to a cat so abominable.

    Unfortunately the cat was nowhere near done.
    For this pervert the fun had only just begun.

    “I want you to meet thing one and thing two.”
    I know what he is referring to and I’m sure so do you.

    “These things are so tame” the cat said softly, giving them a pat.
    I cannot believe to children this book is read.

    “Your mother is near” said the fish. “I hear a sound.”
    Suddenly the cat was nowhere to be found.

    The kids say nothing to their mother feeling dirty and ashamed.
    But they have just been molested, can they be blamed?

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  10. Anil Larma says:

    Omg jack, that was the funniest thing i have read in awhile! Thnks for that, must share wit my friends!!

  11. tejanojim says:

    Jack, you have every right to your interpretation, but I must strongly disagree. Cat in the Hat is a parable about the inner working of the mind. Consider how the boy and girl sit passively through the bulk of the story while the Cat (and his things) act and the fish warns and pleads and insists that they stop. The only action the boy takes is to capture the Things, and bring an end to the rampage of the Cat. In other words, there is no boy, no girl, no fish, no Cat and no Things. These are all metaphors for various aspects of the mind and self. To get a better idea of how this works, read the Bhagavad Gita and then reread Cat in the Hat, preferably while high.

    • ThoughtViking says:

      It kinda sounds more like Freud to me with the Ego, super Ego and Id.

      Cat being the ID
      Children the Ego
      Cat is the Super Ego?

  12. Joe Dean says:

    Why would you think that Clark was unintentionally creepy? I don’t think Suess did anything unintentionally.

  13. Terri Chernko Amadio says:

    Always was terrified of Dr Suess as a child. Won’t go as far as calling thing 1 and 2 balls but I get it. Many of his stories have abandonment in them. Poor Horton on that egg.

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