Happy March, y’all! It’s Dr. Seuss’ birthday tomorrow, so I thought I’d celebrate by listing a few of his beloved “kooky” characters that scared the living bejeesus out of me as a child.
1. “Dad,” Hop on Pop
Dad is sad.
Very, very sad.
He had a bad day.
What a day Dad had.
Um… yeah. Dad looks like he’s about to wash down a bottle of Xanax with a liter of vodka, and then maybe play Russian Roulette while watching QVC. For Christ’s sake, tone it down, Seuss.
2. “Foona Lagoona Baboona,” If I Ran The Circus
That remarkable Foon
who eats sizzling hot pebbles
that fall off the moon!
Disordered eating doesn’t begin to cover it.
3. “Clark,” One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
Look what we found
in the park
in the dark.
We will take him home
We will call him Clark.
Yes, awesome. Yellow eyes, snaggleteeth–this will end well. (There is a reason the park after dark is a no-no zone, and not just because of the roving masturbators.)
And speaking of pedophiles…
4. “The Cat,” The Cat in the Hat
Hey, your mom’s out doing God knows what, leaving you home alone with a goldfish and some cake, and all of a sudden, a pantsless, bow-tied stranger comes a-knockin’. What does he say? Well:
“I know some good games we could play,”
Said the cat.
“I know some new tricks,”
Said the Cat in the Hat.
“A lot of good tricks.
I will show them to you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do.”
YES, MOMMY MINDS. THIS IS WHY MOMMY KEEPS PEPPER SPRAY IN THE JUNK DRAWER.