That MacArthur Genius Grant Can’t Get Here Soon Enough

I’m a smart person. Mostly. There are times, however, when I wonder how I am able to function without harming myself or others.

I’m embarrassed to tell you how long it was before I realized that a bookmark magnet was actually a magnet like you put on the fridge and NOT a magnetic book mark that I was somehow too dumb to use and may have almost torn apart trying to figure out how to separate its non-existent parts to get it to work.

And by work, I mean somehow magnetically mark my page in the book I was reading.  Which I don’t even know why that’s a thing, because I very seldom read books that have metal components.

There was the morning when I decided to soak some new sheets in a last ditch effort to get this weird smell out [a weird petro-chemical smell, probably from the plastic bag they were stored in, but COULD HAVE BEEN a secret plot to spread some sarin-type gas attack distributed through packages of 500 thread count sheets from Bed Bath and Beyond. Who knows for sure?] before I finally decided to say fuck it and return them.

Anyway, I went down to the laundry room and set the washer to soak [after having washed the sheets at least 4 times - second rinse each time. Suck it, diminishing water table.], and came back upstairs.

While eating my DELICIOUS oatmeal, I heard this weird noise, this gurgle gurgle gurgle. At first I thought it was one of the cats [she slurps licking herself], and then I realized it was COMING FROM DOWNSTAIRS.

Fuck.

I wondered how I would deal with whatever watery catastrophe was on hand and mustered up my courage, following the sound into the laundry room, hoping for a chainsaw wielding crazy so at least I wouldn’t have to call a plumber, when I found that:

The washer wasn’t doing anything.

But the sink?

Yeah, I had left the faucet on after washing my hands. Evidently I don’t wash my hands enough to remember how to turn off the goddamn faucet.

Finally, there was the day where people kept tweeting “May the 4th be with you!” and I thought that was cute and funny and wondered if people did that on Twitter every month on the 4th because they love Star Wars so much.

A little while later, I was listening to a radio station play Irish music and thought, “Why would the DJ play Irish music right before Cinco de Mayo? Isn’t that weird?” Like a lightning bolt, it hit me:

Cinco de Mayo.

May the 5th.

The day after…

May the 4th.

May the 4th be with you.

Ah.
About the Writer
Liberal. Impatient. And profane. No. Seriously. Really, really foul-mouthed.

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Comments

  1. Mel says:

    I can commisserate by saying that I don’t even know what the hell a magnetic book mark is. I will be wary going forward.

  2. IzzyMom says:

    If it makes you feel any better, that May the 4th thing went right over my head. Wooosh! And I still don’t know what the hell a magnetic bookmark is.

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  3. PMuff says:

    Magnetic bookmarks are a mystery wrapped up in an enigma, I can see the confusion.

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  4. Suniverse says:

    I am so glad I’m not alone with that fucking bookmark. I think it was a trick. I may have to not be friends with the person who gave it to me.

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  5. Once went out o a Mexican palace for dinner with the hubs, and it was May 4th. We joked about being there on the wrong day, and he called it, “Cincinnati de Quatro.” It was MANY minutes before we realized that we had dubbed the day The 5th of the 4th.

    Deep.

  6. Uh, yeah. That Mexican palace was a Mexican PLACE.

  7. Suniverse says:

    HAHAHA. I want to go to a Mexican Palace on the 5th of the 4th.

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  8. Wait, that’s how bookmark magnets work? WHAT?

  9. Suniverse says:

    I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM.

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  10. JW Moxie says:

    Aren’t magnetic bookmarks not meant to serve as bookmarks at all, but are really just bookmark-shaped magnets? That like, you put on fridges and filing cabinets and stuff?

    Are they? ARE THEY, CREATORS OF BOOKMARK MAGNETS WHO SEEK TO MAKE STUPID PEOPLE FEEL LIKE IDIOTS?

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  11. Suniverse says:

    JWMoxie, WE NEED TO STRIKE BACK AGAINST THE EVIL.

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  12. Um, I don’t get it. May the 4th be with you? I mean I know it’s the day before Cinco de Mayo, but…so? I mean, shouldn’t the fifth be with us? If the 4th is with us then the 5th will never come. And that would suck. Probably.

    Also, what do you mean magnetic bookmarks aren’t for books?

    My head hurts.

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  13. Alexandra says:

    I’m not lying when I tell you WHAT IN THE WORLD AND HOW and that got a patent????

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  14. Galit Breen says:

    Hee! Too funny! And yes, I sometimes have moments of -ahem- wonder like this, too! :)

  15. But seriously.

    Book magnets.

    Why?

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  16. Lori says:

    In a fit of brain-shortageness couldn’t help an equally challenged friend spell “of.”

    Live long and perspire.

  17. John says:

    On the topic of magnetism: I have a friend who teaches “Rocks for Jocks” at a community college . . . for the final, he typically gathers a group of minerals and has the students state what each one is.

    During a final, one of the harder-working girls in the class was having issues. “I think this is xxxx,” (I, for the life of me, couldn’t tell you what mineral this was supposed to be), “but it’s supposed to be magnetic.”

    My friend stifles a laugh and then says “well, you know that’s a magnifying glass, right? A magnifying glass makes things look larger – it’s not a magnet-finding glass.”

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  18. francerants says:

    May the 4th? I still don’t get it….

  19. GrandeMocha says:

    The first step is admitting it, right? I’m a nerd. I LOVE nerd holidays like 5/4. Do you know about Pi day?

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